


Secret Agent Man

by luxshine



Category: NSYNC, Popslash
Genre: AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-20
Updated: 2011-03-20
Packaged: 2017-10-17 04:09:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 37,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/172744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luxshine/pseuds/luxshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of the members of *N Sync is not who the others think he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. M.I.S.S.I.O.N. Insufferable

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks: Milosflaca because, as always, she pointed me where I was stretching credibility too far and too thin. If the story works, is because she hit me on the head with my The Stand: Uncut and Complete Hard cover every time I tried to stray too far away in the realm of fantasy. Canalbaby for her amazingly good *N Sync Chronology (found here, ) which helped me to keep everything in place, and to Pensnest and the wonderful OtherDeb for their beta work. Any mistakes left, are mine.
> 
> This is part of a humongous challenge to write 100 Chris/Joey fics. Needless to say, I'm not even halfway done.

Early 1995

“You want me to do what?” I asked my supervisor. Not that I didn’t hear him the first time, I heard him quite clearly, but I was sure it had to be a joke.

Even if my superior officer wasn’t the joking type.

“We need you to go undercover. If what our witness says it is true, we could nab Pearlman for fraud and murder, Agent Barr,” my boss repeated. Part of me was excited at the idea. I was one of the youngest agents under his supervision and any case in the field was good news.

On the other hand...

“Does he understand I’m going to live his life for at least a year?” There was no question why they had chosen me. Even when the boy in the picture was obviously younger than me, there was an uncanny likeness between us. The guy in the file could easily have been my brother.

“He understands that. Since he is our star witness, it’s in our best interest to keep him safe until we have enough proof against Pearlman and his accomplices, so he will be placed in a temporary protection program. If the operation goes as planned, by the end of it we will be able to switch you two back again.”

I nodded, groaning inside. Lou Pearlman had started in the transportation business, renting planes and limousines, but in the last few years he had moved into entertainment. We had suspicions that his interest in the boys that he represented was less than healthy, but hadn’t been able to prove it.

Our lucky break came when a local kid saw Pearlman himself kill one of his associates. Unfortunately, the agent in charge of the operation didn’t think it was enough to put the fat bastard behind bars for long, so we needed to find more evidence.

Pearlman seemed eager to cash in with pre-made bubblegum pop groups. He was surrounding himself with teenagers. He hadn’t seen our witness; the kid was still our hidden ace.

The mission was simple. I would take over the witness’ life, and try to get myself into one of Pearlman’s projects.

It sounded really easy. A simple mission, that involved the minimum risk possible, especially compared to those agents who had to infiltrate drug rings and mob families.

That didn’t mean I had to like it.

* * *

Late 1997

Nothing could have prepared them for Europe.

They had expected rehearsals, presentations, interviews and fans, sure, but not as many as they had encountered.

They had expected hotels and nights on the road, but not such cheap hotels, small rooms and one bus.

Even so, Chris tried to see the positive side of things. He trusted Lou, and he trusted that things would change soon. They were working their asses off, and soon their effort would be rewarded.

Besides, since his band mates and the crew were the only people he knew in the country who spoke English, the little time between the shows was the perfect way to finish cementing their friendship. They had got to know each other very well during the year they had spent getting ready for Europe, and now Chris couldn’t think of anyone who knew him better than his four friends.

There was JC, without whom Chris was sure his idea would never have got off the ground because JC had gotten the idea with the same enthusiasm. There was Justin, who, okay, was almost ten years younger than Chris, but that didn’t make him less driven. Justin was as determined as Chris himself to make *N Sync work.

Joey’s joining had been both by accident and almost destined. Chris remembered seeing Joey around Universal, heard him sing, and thinking about how to broach the idea to him. JC was Joey’s friend from their childhood and had been thinking about contacting him, since they hadn’t seen each other in almost a year. And then, one night, they had just bumped into him at a club, and that was the best thing that could have happened in Chris’s honest opinion.

Thinking about it, Chris turned to look at Joey, who was lying on his bed, trying to decipher an old Superman comic in German. Joey was not only a great dancer; he also had a beautiful voice and great charisma on the stage. More important, Joey was fun to be with. Joey made the time between shows pass quickly, and didn’t let them think too much about what would happen if their plans failed.

Joey was quickly becoming the heart of the group.

Finally, there was Lance. Whenever Chris was alone with his feelings, he admitted that not accepting Lance in the group would have been a big mistake. After Jason had left, Chris had been reluctant while trying to find the needed fifth member. Chris had even tried to convince the others to try and get Jason back.

But whatever misgivings Chris had about Lance’s age and serious personality were easily overridden by the fact that Lance’s voice fit right in with the group. By the time they had spent six months rehearsing together, the group sounded almost perfect, especially whenever they sang a cappella. That was when when Lou had finally accepted and given them a contract.

There was only one thing that still bothered Chris a little about Lance, and it was that Lance was too serious for a 17 year old. He was always worrying about the schedules, the show, the things that went behind the curtain. It wasn’t that Chris didn’t worry about that, but Lance worried a little too much.

Chris didn’t realize he had been humming “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” until he heard Joey’s clear voice joining in for the refrain. He smiled.

Things were going to get better soon.

* * *

There are a thousand things I’m pretty sure no one could have foreseen while preparing our little scenario.

Almost three years on this fucking nightmare is not one of them. I knew very well when I was forced to accept the mission that it was not going to be a short and easy job. I’m pretty sure that our witness didn’t know that.

Getting into Pearlman’s organization was easy, although I know that some day someone is going to ask the right question and this will all come tumbling down. I’m just lucky that no one has analyzed the story of *N Sync’s meeting too deeply. Some would think it was just chance that Kirkpatrick was trying to get a contract with Transcon, but our sources were solid enough.

The only thing I needed to do was to wait until a chance came. If Kirkpatrick didn’t want me for his group, I could wait until Pearlman got greedy and did a new call as he had done for the Backstreet Boys. My bosses wanted things to go smoothly to avoid any suspicion and I was doing my best to fit in.

When the rehearsals started, there wasn’t a day I didn’t thank my mother for having insisted on music lessons, even when I was never interested in singing professionally. If she could see me now, she would laugh, I’m sure.

But now, the mission seems to be stagnating. I’m in Germany, and Pearlman is not. I couldn’t stay in Florida to keep an eye on him and maintain my cover, so I’m practically useless. That’s something I’m sure tactics didn’t foresee, or if they did, they failed it to mention it to the witness.

He’s lucky, in a sense. He’s got a nice deal, which does insure that he’ll get his life back if nothing goes terribly wrong. At the end of the day, he’ll get whatever money I make as him, and, if this group manages to survive Pearlman, a nice place under the spotlight.

I’ll probably have to go through cosmetic surgery since our faces have been pretty much photographed from every single angle imaginable, and then go back to the desk job I had before this.

Because I might be a good agent, and I am doing my best to keep my cover, but there’s one secret I doubt I’ll be able to keep from my superiors in this assignment if it goes for much longer.

When they find out, they won’t fire me. But they will make sure I never have an important job again.

My life sucks.

* * *

“Well, that was awkward.” Joey was the first one inside the room, and even though he was sweaty and tired from the charity game, he let himself fall in one of the beds. They had three rooms for the five of them, and he looked willing to fight anyone who asked him to move to the other rooms.

“That’s an understatement,” Lance agreed, sitting on the only chair in the room. He almost immediately closed his eyes, which showed how exhausted he was. “They were not happy to see us.”

“Would you be, in their place?” Justin sat on the floor, and JC followed his example, choosing a spot near Lance’s chair. They hadn’t had many live presentations that month, but the rehearsals for October together with the charity game were killing them. “I’d hate us too.”

Chris didn’t say anything; he just got his towel from his bag, and headed to the shower. Before the game he had tried to talk with Howie D, a friend he remembered from college, only to be ignored. They all knew how much that had hurt Chris, who lately was feeling depressed.

The excess of work, the bad press, and the fact that he had been wearing braces for almost three months now- it was all getting to him, when he usually was the more optimist of the group.

“It’ll get better,” Joey suddenly said, once they heard the running water. “You will see. It’s just a matter of time before we get really rich and famous, and then those guys will eat their words. We will remember days like this and laugh.”

“I hope you’re right, Joey,” Lance answered, but his voice sounded more pessimistic than usual. “I really hope you’re right.”

* * *

Early 1998

I’m going to get my hands on whoever works with my information, and I’m going to kill him.

Last year I saw enough of Europe to last me a life-time. The time we were in the States was barely enough for me to touch base, and check my information with the bureau and the witness, who is starting to get anxious.

*N Sync isn’t big enough that people tell him he looks like ‘me’ yet, but it will happen. And he knows it. He wants to know when we’re going to get the murderous bastard.

I wish I could tell him that’s going to be soon, but things are getting hard. As far as I have been able to tell, Pearlman has gone straight for a while. One good thing I can say about all of this is that yes, the guys have just enough access for my job to be easy. I’m here to observe, and to lure anyone who could be looking for our witness away from their real target. No one suspects if we ask a couple of questions about the business, and it’s fairly easy to pick up red flags when they tell me that ‘it’s not something that should bother me’. Thankfully, there has been no signs that Pearlman knows he was spotted, and our witness is completely safe.

Still, I’m going into my fourth year at this. And with every day that passes it becomes harder for me to remember that it is not going to last. Nothing here is mine.

My ‘family’ is the witness’ family. They know what’s going on, and accept me only because I’m their best chance to get their son back, safe and sound. My ‘friends’ don’t know that I am not the guy they think I am. They are the witness’ friends, and none of them will ever know I existed once the switch is done, when the mission is over.

Not even the face I see in the mirror is mine.

The man I see in the mirror is *him*. The man who smiles from the pictures, who is loved by the fans, it’s not me. It’s him.

I can’t fool myself into thinking they like me. They like *him* and he is not me.

I have to be very careful and keep *him* and me separated.

It’s the only way it will not hurt as much when I have to leave all this behind.

Because as much as I’d like to deny it…

I’m starting to like being here.


	2. M.I.S.S.I.O.N. Insane

April 1998

The boss is angry at me because the investigation is going nowhere.

It’s not my fault that the fat blob has gotten so greedy that he’s even now bankrolling yet another group while the Backstreet Boys are suing him over *N Sync’s shows. The Boys fired their manager, who is now working for us.

I’m pretty sure Johnny Wright doesn’t know what kind of human garbage Pearlman is. He has to have his doubts about working with him, but Wright is not a bastard, so I doubt he’s in Pearlman’s other business.

But the agency can’t question Wright without making Pearlman realize we’re investigating him, and there is a limit to the questions I can ask without making everyone suspicious. The last thing I want is to draw suspicions towards me.

I’ve got more than enough to worry about.

The last time I spoke to my contact, he told me that they needed me to write a report on the group, and everyone’s personalities and attitudes, including ‘mine’. For the witness, they say, so he could get back to his life when it was all over.

I spent that night wide awake, thinking about what could I write to the kid, so he could get to know ‘his’ friends.

‘His’ life.

I can tell him what he will be coming back to, when it comes to it. I can tell him that Chris acts a bit insane, and sometimes can become a pain in the ass, but in truth is one of the strongest people I’ve ever had the chance to meet.

I can tell him that JC seems to be always in his own world, but sees and understands more than anyone suspects. Sometimes, I think he knows I am a pretender. But if he does, he has never mentioned it.

I can tell him that Justin wants desperately to be treated like an adult, and hates it when people tell him to enjoy his age. That he loves Britney Spears with all his heart, even when she doesn’t realize that.

I can tell him that Joey would do anything for his friends, even die for them if that was necessary. That behind his goofy grin and his carefree attitude, he’s actually a very responsible young man.

I can tell him that Lance is incredibly smart, which can be too dangerous for his own health but he isn’t deterred easily. Lance wants to know the truth, and he will do anything to find those truths.

I can tell him that -- and a lot more about the group, about all of us.

But I can’t tell him that my life is probably over, not even if he asks me why I am talking about ‘his’ identity as if it were not me.

The group’s faces are plastered all over Europe, Japan, and Australia. While ‘our’ look has changed so much that he won’t be confused with me anymore, now my face is very well known.

There are talks about doing a televised concert for the USA tour. If that happens, the only place where I could get to work undercover after this without going through extensive surgery is in the Antarctic.

Unless there is an MTV Antarctica.

I should have never accepted this job, and now I can’t get out.

It’s not even about that whale Pearlman. With the way my luck is going, the Backstreet Boys’ legal team will manage what the agency hasn’t and Pearlman will end up behind bars anyway.

But if I tell them I quit, if I ask the agency to remove me and put the witness back in...

I will miss them.

Even if I know I’m on borrowed time; even though I know I’ll have to give all this up some day, I want to stay as long as I can.

* * *

May 1998

“Joey, can we talk?” Lance knocked hesitantly on the door of Joey’s room.

“Sure, Lance, come on in.” Joey hadn’t been doing anything particularly important at the moment. They still had some time before the concert at MGM, so Joey had decided to relax and maybe try to sleep a little.

“Are you nervous?”

“A little,” Joey agreed. “After this, there’s no going back. We either make it or sink, right?”

“I don’t think we’ll sink, we’ve done well so far.” Lance looked down at his hands, with a tiny frown.

“What’s wrong, Lance?”

Lance didn’t answer immediately, worrying Joey. Lance had always been a bit distant with them all, but Joey always chalked it up to the fact that Lance hadn’t known them before *N Sync. But he was a nice guy, even if he was a little too curious for his own good. Joey and the others often joked about that. They said that when Lance was not working with them, he was probably pestering Michael, their floor manager, about the schedule for the whole month.

"I think that we’re doing far too good, Joey.” When Lance finally answered, he did it in a low whisper, as if he was afraid that someone might be listening. “I’m pretty sure we don’t know how much money we’re making for Transcon.”

"What? Why?” Joey frowned, but Lance shook his head.

“It’s just that something doesn’t add up, Joe; I don’t know.” Lance was focused on his hands, as if ashamed. “Look, maybe I am really paranoid and this is stupid but, what if the Backstreet Boys were right and Lou is just trying to milk them and us as much as he wants?”

Joey kept silent for a long time, before raising his head. “If I was sure, I would tell the others. And Lynn too, since she’s starting to work at Transcon. If I wasn’t sure, I don’t know.”

“I was thinking about telling Chris,” Lance admitted. “But I am afraid he’ll think I’m blaming him.”

“Why should he? It isn’t as if he knew what Lou did to the Boys, and you’re not implying he did. He’s in this the same as we are.”

Lance smiled weakly. It was no secret that Chris hadn’t been exactly happy with his addition to the group. Even after Chris had explained that it wasn’t something personal against Lance but anger at the fact that Jason had left them without a second thought, Lance still didn’t feel completely comfortable around the other man, not even after four years.

“I guess you’re right,” Lance sighed. “Look, as I told you, I’m not sure. Can you keep it to yourself for a while? I swear that if I find anything really suspicious, I’ll bring it up next time we five are alone.”

"Sure thing,” Joey promised, half hugging Lance. “And don’t worry so much, you’ll see it’s nothing.”

* * *

The witness is still safe, they tell me, and for that I am glad.

I’m not sure the group is safe, and the bosses won’t assign me backup for only a hunch.

It would bring up too many questions.

But I can keep my eyes open, and try to keep the others safe. I can be their bodyguard when the guys who are supposedly being paid to protect us wouldn’t notice something if it’s ordered from inside. Pearlman would know how to make anyone in the group disappear without alerting them.

There have been a couple of accidents that make me nervous. When we’ve been working to the point of collapse, it’s easy to miss a step on the stairs. When we’ve been eating too little, it’s easy to get sick.

I have the feeling that Pearlman has finally figured out that someone is asking too many questions.

And I really miss my gun.

Looking at the mirror, I can’t stop the smile that comes to my face. Four years and counting, I have practically buried myself inside this fake personality. No one who knew me then could recognize Agent Barr under the make up, dye, hair spray and fancy clothing.

I’ve come to grips with this. It might not be me, but as long as I have to play this part, I’ll not deny that I don’t see these guys as ‘probable victims’ but as my friends.

All of them.

It bothers me that I can’t tell them the truth. I can’t because if I did, I would be putting them in danger, because it would be going against everything we’ve done to keep the witness safe. But I wish I could because then I wouldn’t be lying to my friends anymore.

My contact knows that I have compromised feelings about this mission, although he doesn’t know how compromised they are. He doesn’t understand why I enjoy this, or why I look devastated when I think of it ending.

Sure, he says he envies me for the girls that throw themselves at me until I point out that many of those are underage and thus it would be a crime if I put a hand on any of them even if I was really as young as the guy I’m pretending to be; sure, he wonders out loud what will I do with all the money that’s going in the fake account that the bureau got for me when this started. But he doesn’t get why at nights, when the guys ask if I want to go out to a club, or just hang around and watch a movie, I enjoy staying.

But then, even though he’s been in this mission as long as I have, his contact with us is minimal.

He doesn’t understand that I have been living with them for four years, almost five.

That these guys are the closest thing I have to friends, because when this started, I left everything behind.

Six months into this, I had to break up a relationship that had lasted for three years.

A year into this, I couldn’t go to my brother’s wedding.

My family understands my job, but sometimes I wonder if they knew I was going to disappear so suddenly one day.

On the other hand, the guys have remembered every one of my ‘fake’ birthdays. They had given me gifts that I like- that *I* like, as well as the guy I pretend to be. The times when I’ve been really depressed, even when I can’t tell them why I get depressed, they have tried, each in their own way, to cheer me up.

I tattooed my ankle because it was a ‘group’ thing, even when JC couldn’t bring himself to go with us.

God help me, I am part of the group.

How am I going to be able to give this up?

* * *

July, 1998

“I’m free!!” Chris yelled as he came through the door. His smile was big, bright, and one had to be blind not to notice that finally, the braces were gone.

JC laughed and hugged him, while Lance, Joey and Justin watched from the other side of the room. They had been waiting for Chris to come back so they could go and give an interview before heading out to a concert.

They all agreed that the schedule was too tight some days. Justin had even commented that it would have been nice to give Chris a day or two to get used to not wearing braces again, but Lou had insisted it was not necessary. Just one more reason to hate Lou, was Justin’s opinion, which he shared with Lance later that same day.

Just as their security came in to inform them they were ready to go, Lance turned to say something to Joey. It was just by chance that he happened to see Joey watching Chris with a soft smile on his lips, a smile that only a fool wouldn’t recognize.

Since Chris was still laughing at something JC had said, Lance indulged in a silly smile of his own.

“They don’t know how good they look, do they?” he whispered to Joey, secure in the knowledge that Justin couldn’t hear.

"What do you mean?” Joey turned to see him, surprised.

“Joey, please, don’t insult my intelligence,” Lance shook his head. “Chris and JC.”

Joey frowned for a moment, before chuckling. “So I am not the only one who notices?”

Lance shook his head. Later, when they finished the interview and got to their shared room, they could talk a little more. For now, Lance was just happy to see that his suspicions were confirmed and that at least one member of the group wouldn’t be shocked to find out he was gay.

If he was lucky, maybe Joey could help him figure out how to come out to everyone else that mattered.

And he needed to talk with Joey. Of all of the group, Joey was his best friend, and the only one whom he completely trusted.

There were things that the group needed to know, and Joey could help him with that.

Before getting on the bus, Lance closed his eyes briefly.

He was feeling really tired.

* * *

April, 1999

This is it. I am not being paranoid.

In the past nine months, we’ve had 50 incidents during rehearsals.

We’ve all gotten injuries. Most of them minor, and none have leaked to the press, but I’m sure that my cover has been compromised. They know I’m here.

They don’t know who I am, though.

The incidents aren’t aimed at me. They’re aimed to harm anyone who is unlucky enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and has asked one or two many questions. Our crew is the most damaged, and the group has only suffered by chance. I’m pretty sure that Pearlman doesn’t want to harm one of his cash cows unless he’s completely sure they’re a danger to him.

The accidents aren’t fatal. They’re aimed to scare me.

Anyone who has asked questions, and I am not the only one. Due to the rumor mill surrounding the Backstreet Boys, even the temporary grip boys are asking questions.

It has become dangerous to try and contact my partner. And now it seems that the money trail goes outside Transcon.

Pearlman is guilty of murder. I have no doubt in my mind since the witness identified him without hesitating. But now my bosses are sure that he is not the head of the organization because the money trail disappears once it gets to Transcon. They think someone else is getting the money out of Pearlman, that Pearlman is just a rung in the big ladder. It’s not in the group’s accounts; it’s not in Transcon’s accounts. There are whole chunks of money missing. More worrisome, there are chunks of incoming money which no one can account for.

Five years and counting, and now they tell me that we’ve been looking at this the wrong way.

They even offered me an out. Last time I talked to my contact, he said that we could get the fat bastard for manslaughter, and then cut a deal with him so he would tell us where the money is going and where it is coming from.

I refused.

I don’t want Pearlman to get a deal. If he gets a deal, then we just wasted five years of my life and five years of the witness’s life. I’m going to do whatever it takes to get that fat bastard behind bars and make him stay there. And if I have to stay and find the head of the organization to do that, I will. I am not going to let the witness’s sacrifices, the band’s sacrifices, and my own sacrifices, count for nothing. I’ll follow this path wherever it takes me, and I’m going to see this through the end.

Hopefully by then, I’ll still have a place to go back to.


	3. M.I.S.S.I.O.N. Unbearable

May, 1999.

Fuck.

I slipped up. I can’t believe I almost fucked this up.

The official version is that Lance Bass is sick. Stomach flu, if I recall correctly. The unofficial version goes from ‘death’ to ‘heart condition’. As if we weren’t compared to the Backstreet Boys already.

None of that is true. We are in the hospital, yes, but it wasn’t stomach flu. And I am getting a psychic evaluation because my contact decided that I was starting to talk about the witness as if he were me and about my real identity as if I was someone else.

Obviously none of the geniuses who thought of this plan realized that after five years undercover I would be more a pop singer sensation than a FBI agent.

Not that I am a pop singer sensation. That spot is reserved for Justin, if we listen to Pearlman talk. Not that we actually listen to him. The group wouldn’t be where it is if wasn’t for all of us. We’re all breaking our backs out there and all of the others are as talented as Justin.

I managed to convince the doctor that I am not losing my grip on reality. The only reason why I keep talking about the witness’ identity as if it wasn’t me is to keep a clear mind. Not that it helps. I’m way out of my depth, and I care about the guys too much. Talking in third person about myself helps me to keep some professional distance when I do my reports.

Not enough, apparently, since I missed this. And I almost killed one of us.

The real hospital record, the one that the agency so kindly managed to remove so not even the others know about it, says that it was a deliberate poisoning. Not bad enough to kill Lance, but it was a close call.

A close call made closer because we’re so tired from the rhythm of the schedule.

And even so, the show had to go on. The show I’ve been putting on for so long, and the show on the stage, even without Lance.

I added slavery to the long list of crimes that Pearlman has committed. I’ll never be able to prove that one, but I sure as hell wish I could make him pay for it.

But while I almost managed to blow my cover, it seems that I’m the only one who cares about the case. The money trail my contact was supposed to be following is leading nowhere, and so far we haven’t been able to decipher where is Pearlman’s getting the money from to bankroll the other groups Transcon is producing. They haven’t been able to find where the money we’re supposed to be getting is going to, either.

To make things worse, now everyone suspects something. Chris came to talk to me a couple of weeks before the shit hit the fan, with pretty much the same worries. We’re packing full stadiums, but we have no money. He couldn’t buy a house for his mom.

At the hospital, Dr. Vicks told me that I had to keep the group working for Pearlman, no matter what. It would be the only way to keep the investigation going. Of course, if *N Sync is not with Transcon, then there’s no reason for me to be in *N Sync, and if I had to leave them in those circumstances, they would think I betrayed them.

But Pearlman is going to kill the group. Not literally, of course. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want one of his cash cows to die now. But if he keeps up the overkill schedule, the not-so-stellar work done for the new record, and the new groups? Before next year *N Sync will be forgotten by everyone. And they – and we- don’t deserve that.

I should vote to change labels if we can.

After all, I already killed my options to advance in the agency. If they fire me over this? At least I wouldn’t be part of destroying the others’ futures.

* * *  
August, 1999.

JC hated group meetings, not because he particularly disliked being with the group, because he disliked having to talk about anything that was not the music.

After Lance’s illness, however, he had even called for a couple of them. No matter how much the doctor insisted that it had been just stomach flu, JC had been deathly afraid that it had been something more serious. Just remembering Lance lying on that hospital bed, almost as white as the sheets he was sleeping in, made him shiver.

“We have no money.” Chris said, after a while. “Not enough, at least. We would be making more working nine to five in some office.”

“So what can we do?” Joey didn’t look up from the table. He had taken everything much harder than the rest of the group, except for JC. When JC hadn’t been right there next to Lance’s bed, Joey took his place.

“We can change labels. Get a new contract somewhere else,” Lance suggested. “I’m pretty sure we can find some loophole in our RCA/Transcon contract if we look for it.”

"You know?" Justin finally said, after thinking it over and over. "I think it's weird that Jive is so ready to help us after the way the Backstreet Boys' lawsuit ended…"

* * *

Things didn’t go as I expected with the bosses when I told them about Justin’s suspicions. I thought they would be mad because I had missed that, and because they had missed that. I pretty much expected to be told I was out of the job.

But to my surprise, they hadn’t exactly missed the connection. When Pearlman kept throwing money at groups of kids, they started checking on the other labels. They already have someone in Jive, checking on the Backstreet Boys quite closely. And they agreed that it was in *N Sync’s best interest to be away from Pearlman as soon as possible. I couldn’t believe my ears when they told me. After my sessions with Dr. Vicks, I was sure that everything would end if we changed labels. And while I am happy about it, I am also worried. Did Vicks asked me to try and keep the guys at Transcon because she wanted to see what I did, or because she didn’t know about the Jive connection? And if she didn’t know, what other holes we have in our communications?

I am off the case, though. I can’t keep investigating Pearlman and protect the witness at the same time and before I had to make the hardest choice in my life, the bosses made it for me. Since we can’t afford to lose the witness before Pearlman is on trial, my only mission is to serve as his double. No more cover investigation for me. If I happen to find something at Jive, or wherever *N Sync ends up, they’ll accept it, but I have to keep the cover, and I have to keep this identity safe because sooner or later, the witness will return to it.

Win some, lose some, I guess. I still have no idea how they’re hoping we’ll be able to make the switch. I still don’t know what the witness is doing wherever he is, but I know I have made some sort of a life here.

The guys are my friends. Even if they don’t really know me, I consider them my friends, and they consider the guy I pretend to be their friend. I have to make sure that they’re still his friends when I’m gone. Because if we all do our jobs, if the guys at the bureau don’t screw this up, the guys will never know I existed, they’ll believe I was always the witness and that’s what I have to work for.

I have no idea how they plan to do that. I know I will have a hard time getting used to not being a boybander. No more endless rehearsals, no more concerts, no more memorizing answers for interviews. Forget about the photo sessions and recording videos. No more special shows, or going to parties just to be seen. But as hard as it will be for me to get used to not doing that, how hard will it be for him to get used to it? He won’t even have the luxury of time to get adjusted to it, as I did. He’ll be sent in to drown if my bosses have their way.

Does he have friends as close to him as the group is to me? Guys who would kill for him? Someone to love? I don’t know. But if does have friends that close, and after living his new life for almost six years he probably does, I wonder if he’ll be willing to abandon them.

I know I hate the idea of leaving the guys. Especially since I won’t be able to say goodbye. Especially since they won’t know I was me, and not him.

But I have more time now. And now I have a good excuse to meet up with the witness. If I don’t know what he wants from life, I can’t make the choices that he would like me to make. Does he want to try and keep being a singer? Or does he have other dreams that because his face is being plastered on the front cover of every pop magazine in America and some TV Screens as a boybander won’t come true when he’s back using his own name?

And that is not even getting into the bigger question. Thankfully, the bosses still don’t know. One thing I’ve learned on this job is to hide what I feel.

Now that I don’t have to worry about someone sticking a knife in my back, however, I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep up the charade.

* * *

May, 2000

Later on, Chris would blame Lance.

Not because it had been Lance’s fault, but because Lance was the only person he could blame for what happened.

After all, if Lance hadn’t put the idea into his head, Chris wouldn’t have kissed Joey.

He could also blame the happiness he had been feeling since they had finally left Transcon. The fact that the Jive deal was much better and he could buy the house he wanted for his mom. That No Strings Attached had finally come out and that it was a huge success. Bigger than anyone had ever expected.

All that had made Chris felt that nothing could go wrong in his world. And after months of being teased by Lance, he had actually started to believe that maybe Joey would be interested in him.

He had seen the looks that Joey sometimes had on his face when he thought nobody was watching. The way Joey looked at him. But for months he had chalked that up to his own imagination. But Lance had not only been teasing, he had practically sworn that Joey was interested, and Chris had believed him.

Hence, the kiss.

They had been alone at their hotel room after a presentation, which Chris decided to take as a sign since lately they were never alone. He hadn’t been drinking, they were both too tired to go out and it seemed like a very good idea at that time.

It hadn’t even been planned. Chris had been working on his laptop when Joey came up from behind him to ask him something. Chris turned around to answer and Joey’s lips had been right there.

Anyone else would have done the same thing Chris did.

At first the kiss had been good. Even taken by surprise, Joey was an amazing kisser. Or maybe it was that Chris had been waiting for that moment for a long time. At any case, for a few long seconds it actually seemed as if Joey was into it as much as Chris was.

But then they both opened their eyes, and Joey got a panicked look on his face. He muttered something about it being a bad idea, not really good for Chris, and he ran away.

Five minutes later, JC came in announcing that Joey had changed rooms with him, so Joey was in the single room.

It was Lance’s fault, and nothing would convince Chris of the contrary. And if Joey stopped talking to Chris because of what had happened, Chris was going to kill Lance.

* * *

Chris is mad at me. I don’t blame him, I’m mad at myself.

I’m not used to misreading people so badly. I never thought something like that would happen.

But if you ask me, it’s my fault. I’ve sent so many mixed signals that sometimes I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror.

Maybe the change of my mission wasn’t such a good thing as I thought it was. At least back when I was looking for information, I wasn’t fucking up everyone’s lives.

* * *

August, 2000

“Fatone!”

One thing that the five guys had learned early in their involvement with Jive was to never breathe wrong in the presence of their PR director, Theresa Rourke. Justin was deathly afraid of her, Lance tried to stay out of her way as much as possible, JC never spoke to her unless she spoke up first, and Chris and Joey more than once commented that it was like going back to highschool in a permanent trip to the principal’s office.

So when she interrupted their meeting, yelling for Joey, the others looked extremely relieved that she was not looking at them.

“Hi, Theresa,” Joey answered calmly. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong, he asks!” Theresa threw up her hands. “Nothing is wrong, Mr. Fatone. As long as we can prove that there is not a Mrs. Fatone.”

“There’s not a Mrs. Fatone.” Joey frowned. “There isn’t even a potential Mrs. Fatone.”

At this point everyone’s attention was focused on the two of them. Chris and Lance were frowning, while Justin and JC merely looked curious about the situation.

“We got a letter from a lawyer in New York today,” Theresa explained, but her rage seemed to be slowing down a little. “He is representing a girl who claims you’re the father of her four year old son.”

“Well, she’s lying,” Joey was quite calm, despite the situation. “I can’t remember exactly what I was doing four years ago, but I’m sure her kid is not mine.”

“How can you be sure, Joe?” Justin asked as the others turned around to see him. “You are always flirting with girls at clubs. Maybe one of those one night stands wasn’t…”

“You’re not helping, Justin,” Chris snapped. “If Joey says it’s not his kid, then it’s not.”

“Timberlake has a point, Kirkpatrick.” Theresa was still looking at Joey, expecting an explanation. “You have a reputation, Fatone. How can you be so sure the kid isn’t yours?

Joey looked at Theresa, then at the guys. He lowered his eyes when Chris wouldn’t meet his, but seemed to find something in Lance’s face that made him feel better, because after that, he turned again to look at the angry PR woman. “I flirt with girls because that’s what’s expected of me. But I don’t sleep with them. I’m gay.”

“You expect me to believe that, Fatone?” Theresa didn’t seem impressed. “It’s an awfully convenient way out.”

Before anyone else could answer –mostly because the other guys seemed too busy imitating goldfishes over the news- Lance spoke up.

“He’s telling the truth.”

“And how do you know that, Mr. Bass?” Chris and the others turned to look at Lance, who took a deep breath, closing his eyes before answering. He was steeling himself, something that was obvious to anyone who knew him.

“Because he told me the night I told him I was gay.”

* * *

I can’t believe I did that.

I snapped, that’s what happened. Six years and counting made me go temporarily insane.

Why did I came out? In front of a superior, no less?

When we started working at Jive, I was surprised to see the efficiency of our newest PR manager. I chalked it to up her experience until she called me alone to her office and reintroduced herself as Agent Rourke.

And I just told her I was gay. There’s no hope for me now, since she’ll surely put that in her report. Everyone will know at the Bureau, and that will be it for my career.

What was I thinking? Why was I not thinking?

The only upside is that since we’re in the band, no one else must know that there are two gay members in *N Sync. And Theresa forbade us to date each other which is fine with me.

I wouldn’t date my best friend in the group, not during this mess.

Of course, after everyone else was gone, Agent Rourke almost killed me because I hadn’t considered one small detail when I did my stupid stunt.

Is the witness gay? Or have I just outed a straight man?

* * *

November, 2000

“You’re blond now?” Chris asked examining Joey’s new look. He looked like a curator at a museum examining a new painting. “Why?”

“I got tired of the red,” Joey said, as if that explained everything. “And they needed my hair to stick out less for the role.”

“That makes sense… wait. The role?” Chris smiled at him, excited. “Does that means you got it?”

“I got it,” Joey confirmed, smiling widely. While everyone in the group knew that Joey dream was acting and not singing, only Chris and Lance knew that he had been doing small auditions every now and then for small independent films. “They called me a couple of hours ago.”

“Congratulations!” Chris hugged Joey. “What did Lance say?”

“You’re the only one who knows right now.”

Chris couldn’t help himself and kissed Joey right on the lips. And although Joey had told him a thousand times that getting involved was a bad idea, as every time something happened that led to a kiss, Joey was as into the kiss as Chris.

“Theresa is going to kill us,” Joey said, smiling, when they stopped. “You know what she said about dating someone inside the band.”

“She forbade you from dating Lance,” Chris counteracted. “And since you think it’s a bad idea, we are not dating. That was just a friendly way of saying congratulations for your role.”

“As long as you don’t use the same way to congratulate all your friends, I’m happy.”

“Does that mean you want exclusive rights?” Chris seemed pleased with the idea, but Joey sighed which meant that the time for teasing was over.

“Chris… it would be a really bad idea for us. You would end up hating me, trust me on that one.”

“What if I don’t? I’m willing to take the risk.”

“Sorry, Chris. I’m not.”

* * *

EXCERPT FROM AGENT ROURKE’S REPORT FOR DECEMBER, 2000.

As I explained in my previous report, *N Sync’s finances are being watched too closely for someone to do any money laundering with them. However, there are certain invoices paid to companies that have been proven to be connected to Transcon that should be investigated.

Regarding the situation of Agent Barr, it is my recommendation to initiate the trial as soon as possible, to get Pearlman for murder now. His cover has been compromised slightly, and while it is possible to keep the damage controlled, this brief development could repeat itself in the future and bring more problems. The sooner we replace Barr with the witness, the better for the investigation and for the program. If Barr stays for much longer, I fear it will be impossible to relocate the witness to his rightful life.

* * *

February 2001

Everything was going perfectly for the group. They had record sales, sold-out concerts, a new album being recorded, fans, money, and personal projects that were actually working.

Of course something was going to go wrong.

In hindsight, Chris realized that he should have known something big and bad was coming up.

It wasn’t just *N Sync that was going perfectly. Now the friendship between the five of them was solid, too. After the little bombshell of Lance’s and Joey’s preferences, things had been a bit tense among the five of them until Justin called for a group meeting on the bus.

“I like girls,” he stated, clearly for everyone to hear as soon as the door was locked. “Hell, I can say it. I love Britney. And we all know what Lance and Joey like. What about you JC? Chris? I know we can’t force you guys to tell us but you must have noticed how tense everything has gotten since someone decided we couldn’t talk about women with Lance and Joey.”

Chris shrugged. From time to time, Justin was really mature for his age. “I like both,” he said, smiling at Joey. “And Joey knew that.”

“You never actually told me that,” Joey said, smiling back at him for the first time in months. “But I got the idea.”

“Whatever.” Justin shrugged. “What about you, JC?”

“I’d never thought about it,” JC answered after a long pause. “I like sex. Does that count?”

They all had laughed and the tension had completely disappeared. From time to time, Chris had seen JC and Lance arguing about something, and later Joey told him that Lance wasn’t willing to become JC’s gay experiment. For their part, Joey still insisted that there could be nothing between them, but as time passed, he at least had become more willing to fool around a little. Chris had been sure that with a couple months more, he would be able to convince Joey that they could work.

He never expected his world would come crashing down before that happened.


	4. M.I.S.S.I.O.N. Impossible

February 2001

Everything was going perfectly for the group. They had record sales, sold-out concerts, a new album being recorded, fans, money, and personal projects that were actually working.

Of course something was going to go wrong.

In hindsight, Chris realized that he should have known something big and bad was coming up.

He just hadn’t expected that stupid picture on the first page of a trashy supermarket tabloid that Theresa had brought in.

The headline was straight and to the point. It burned itself into Chris’s brain and at that same instant, broke his heart.

“*N Sync’s love child- Joey Fatone’s secret!”.

Under it, there was a picture. And it was an unusually good picture, taken at the entrance of the Prentice Women’s Hospital, judging by the sign on top of the door. You could see Joey clearly, blond and recently clean-shaved; hugging a girl Chris had never seen in his whole life but who had obviously been pregnant for quite a while. Judging for the size of her, she was just about to give birth. They didn’t look like friends, they looked like a couple in love.

He tore his eyes from the picture that seemed burnt into his mind to look at a very shocked Joey. Joey had been with Lance in Toronto for a week, and Chris belatedly figured that it had been part of a long, contrived cover so Joey could go and see his lady love.

Chris wanted to throw up.

It was Theresa who broke the silence. No one else knew what to say.

“Care to explain this, Fatone?”

“I can’t,” Joey was looking at the picture, very serious. It was obvious to Chris that he was angry at his ‘little secret’ being discovered. “That’s not me. I was in Toronto last week with Lance.”

“Fatone, that’s not a very good explanation.” It was the first time Chris had seen Theresa that angry. He didn’t blame her. How could Joey expect them to believe that? That there was some other guy in the world that looked exactly like him?

“Well, it’s the only one you’re going to get at such short notice. It’s not my job to make sure that this kind of thing doesn’t get published, is it?”

Everyone held their breath. No matter how shrill Theresa was sometimes, no matter what they thought of her blunt manners, no one ever talked back to her. It was an unspoken agreement between them. Theresa was always right, she had helped them get great deals for interviews and tv shows, she had been talking about Rolling Stone. You just didn’t answer her back like that.

“Is that so, Mr. Fatone?” Theresa, amazingly, didn’t tear his head off. Instead, she closed her eyes briefly before looking at the rest of the group. “All of you, out. I need to talk to Fatone alone.”

They left without a word, although Chris sent a brief hurt look at Joey. Maybe that was what Joey had meant when he’d told Chris he wasn’t good enough for him. Maybe, in his own way, Joey had been trying to spare him the heartache.

* * *

She waited a few minutes after the door closed before turning to look back at me, probably to make sure that none of the others would stay next to the door trying to listen in.

“That was highly inappropriate, Agent Barr.”

“More inappropriate than letting the witness be photographed and that photo published in a nationwide tabloid?” I answered, barely containing my anger. Of course the guy in the picture wasn’t me. Rourke should have known it wasn’t me, and she should have thought about it twice before confronting me about it in front of the others.

Am I the only one who even cares about keeping my cover intact?

“If we play this as if it’s actually your picture, we can control this. And that was the plan until you decided to undermine my authority in front of those kids.”

“Those kids are your bosses outside of the investigation, Rourke, and Chris is only a year younger than me,” I said, trying not to yell. I was tired, I was angry, and I didn’t really care about anything except trying to salvage the last seven years of hard work. “If you had a plan, you should have told *me* before you started throwing accusations.”

“This mess wasn’t my fault, Barr. Don’t act as if it was.” Sure, she was mad as hell too. I couldn’t blame her, but I wasn’t going to let her blame me.

“I know it wasn’t your fault. It was the fault of whatever idiot is supposed to be looking after Fatone’s personal security! Tell me, what do the bureau thinks we’re going to do if his face, not to mention the place we’re keeping him, is published and read in every single supermarket in this country?”

“If you say that woman is your girlfriend, we can control it, Barr,” she said, as if it was that easy. “We just have to focus our efforts.”

“I don’t even know her name, Rourke.” I tugged at my short hair, trying to figure out how to explain my anger. “And with close examination, you can tell that the guy in that picture looks like Joey Fatone from *N Sync, but is not really him.”

“There’s not much we can do otherwise, Joseph.” She was using my name, something she only did when she was worried about me. Despite all the times we had argued over the mission, we had become good friends. “Don’t worry, we will still have a job after this ends.”

“I’m more worried about Fatone getting out of this alive, Tess. We’re supposed to be the FBI, he’s supposed to be in the Witness Protection Program. That picture should never have been taken, much less published. Pearlman and whoever is behind him will be on to us now.”

“I’ll talk to our bosses and find out who was the idiot that let this happen was,” she promised. “Your cover is compromised, but not completely lost so I think we still have some time if we hurry and arrest Pearlman as soon as possible, and then make the switch. In the meantime, if anyone asks, your only answer to the press is, ‘No comment.’ When we make the switch, Fatone can deal with the press over his baby and girlfriend.”

I shook my head, trying to look reassured. The truth was that even if a simple ‘no comment’ could take care of press and fans for a while, I wasn’t sure what the others would think about me.

I was afraid that my cover was much more compromised than Theresa thought.

* * *

“Who is she?”

“What are you talking about, Chris?”

Chris shook his head, trying to clear his anger. He had been sure that Lance would cover up for Joey, but he was the only one Chris could ask if Joey was denying the whole story.

“The girl in the picture. Since the trip to Toronto was obviously just a cover, you must have known about her. I bet you have even talked to her.”

“Chris, I swear I have no idea of who she is or when that picture was taken. Joey and I were in Toronto, and he was with me almost the whole time,” Lance finally answered. He looked as confused as Chris. “And in the time we weren’t together, I can’t picture him taking a flight to Chicago to see a secret pregnant girlfriend.”  
Chris narrowed his eyes. He *wanted* to believe Lance, but the evidence against him and Joey was too much. The man in the picture *was* Joey. Who else could it be?

“You’re lying, Bass.”

“Chris… Joey wouldn’t have a girlfriend without telling us,” Lance said, trying to calm him down. “Joey wouldn’t have a girlfriend.”

“Maybe he was lying about that too.”

Lance rolled his eyes. “Chris, trust me. Joey might have lied to us a couple of times but he wasn’t lying about that.”

“How can you be so sure? We’ve never seen him with any men either.”

Lance closed his eyes, and it was obvious to Chris that he was debating with himself. “It’s not my place to tell you this, Chris, but Joey’s last boyfriend hurt him pretty bad back when the group just started. He hasn’t been with anyone since then.”

* * *

May, 2001

The wound is on my leg, but every single fiber of my body hurts.

I wonder if Theresa will finally accept that there’s a leak somewhere in the line of information now that I almost died.

The story that will be published states that there was a mistake with one of the ramps, and that my leg was caught by accident. The truth, which not even the others know, is that I was pushed. While the bosses think it might really have been an accident, Theresa agrees with me that it probably was something more.

There haven’t been any attempts on the witness’s life, as far as we know. Theresa did manage to ensure that his security was tightened, and, while we can’t be sure it worked, at least there haven’t been any more surprise pictures in any tabloids.

We still have no official orders on how to deal with the ones that caused this mess. Whenever a reporter asks me about it, all I say is “No comment.” Theresa feels that someone upstairs is stupid enough to believe that we will be able to make a switch without problems and so, Fatone should be free to talk about his son or daughter.

Since I don’t have either, I can’t show baby pictures to the press so, again, “no comment.” I promised myself I’m going to go to the bureau the first free minute I can find and strangle whoever caused this. Although Theresa says the man responsible is now on permanent desk duty, that doesn’t make me feel better.

The investigation has gone for almost seven years. It will be ridiculous if it ends because some idiot who thinks this case isn’t important enough lost track of our witness for an afternoon.

And this wound also gave me a taste of my near future. Since we couldn’t hold up taping our latest video, one I admit I was looking forward to do, we asked our choreographer to take my place. It was painful to see him get ready for make up, dressed like me, taking my place among the guys. Lance noticed and tried to cheer me up by telling me that by the time the filming of his movie project stars, my leg will be fine. He’s probably right. And I can do the movie with him, since the bosses think it’s good to keep the cover going. But, some days I wonder if the bosses are actually thinking things through when it comes to this case.

* * *

August 2001

“Lance, we need to talk.”

“Sure, JC. What’s wrong?” Lance lowered the script he had been reading. While the work for On the Line hadn’t really ended, he already had his eyes set on the next project. This time he was not so keen on being in front of the cameras, but he wanted something bigger, like directing or producing.

“Did you notice anything weird with Joey while you were up there filming?”

Lance sighed, lowering the newspaper. “No, not really, why?”

“Have you noticed him acting different lately?”

“JC, what are you getting at?”

JC looked around, in the way that Lance recognized as JC trying to come up with the right words to say what he wanted without losing the point. Whatever was going on in JC’s mind was really serious. “There’s something weird going on with Joey. At least since the story about his pregnant girlfriend. I don’t know; it’s like I don’t recognize him anymore some days.”

“Being accused of having a girlfriend on the side by the guy you have a crush on might do that to a person,” Lance answered coldly. He had had that same conversation with Chris, at least once each time he and Joey left for filming. They also had it when Joey had to leave to see his family and didn’t take any of the group with him. He was tired of going over it endlessly. “Especially if your friends think you are gay.”

“That’s another thing I don’t get.” JC shook his head. “I didn’t say anything back when Joey came out because I thought… well, I thought it was a recent development, right? Something he just discovered. But Chris told me that Joey told you that he had always known, right? And that he had had a boyfriend before *N Sync.”

“Yes, and?”

“Lance, Joey was my best friend before I left Orlando the first time.” JC now sounded worried. “I met his first girlfriend back then. He… he only talked about her, all the time. And about other girls. And older women. Back then, Joey loved girls. I’m pretty sure of it.”

“People change, JC. And maybe he was in denial. Or he didn’t want you to know. This kind of stuff is pretty personal, you know?”

“You don’t know how Joey was back then… it’s like he was a completely different person. And I should’ve noticed this much sooner.”

“JC, there’s nothing weird going on with Joey. People change, that’s all.”

“I still think it’s weird,” JC stubbornly insisted. “He never mentioned to you that he tried to be with women, did he?”

“I never asked him.” Lance shook his head. “Why don’t you ask him?”

“Good idea. Come on.”

Before Lance could protest, JC pulled him from the room. They were staying at a hotel in Texas, getting ready to leave for the penultimate concert of the tour, and they all had been too tired to go out the night before. Joey, surprisingly, was in his room and not with Chris, trying to make the older man talk to him again.

“Joey, can we talk?” Lance asked, before JC could say something.

“Hi guys. What’s up? You wanna go out after all?”

“No, Joey. We… ah…” Lance paused, wondering exactly how he was going to express JC’s doubts, when JC decided to cut to the chase.

“You’re not Joey, right?”

To Lance’s surprise, Joey didn’t laugh. He just blinked, closed his eyes and sighed before getting up from his bed.

“Excuse me, guys,” he said, and left the room.

“You know, JC? That was a very stupid way to ask him.”

* * *

“My cover is blown,” were the first words out of my mouth as soon as I could get Tess in a secure room alone. “They’re starting to suspect.”

“What are you talking about? There’s nothing wrong with your cover. We managed to suppress the tabloid rumors and…”

“JC just asked me if I wasn’t Joey,” I clarified. Theresa’s eyes opened like saucers and she sat down in the nearest chair available.

When the mission had started, before she came on board, my then contact had been very clear on one subject: If Chasez ever suspected me, things could get complicated and I was to get out of the group as soon as possible. Chasez was the only one who had known the witness before *N Sync was formed, so he was the only one who could accidentally blow my cover.

It had never happened. JC had accepted me as his old friend and even if at times he seemed to suspect me, he never voiced those suspicions. Not until now, when the mission is so far advanced that I’m only here to ensure no one goes looking for Fatone.

“Can’t you play it off? It’s JC. He’s not exactly the most coherent of the group. No one will believe him,” Theresa finally asked. She had been trying to get our superiors to find a trial date for Pearlman without success. And she was still really working as a PR agent. It had to be hard on her.

“If it had been JC alone, I might have. But he was with Lance, and even if Lance doesn’t believe him now, he’ll start putting the pieces together eventually. We’re running out of time.”

“Very well, that’s it,” she said after a long silence. “I’m pulling you out.”

“Tess, you can’t.” I admit I panicked. After seven years, the words came as a total shock, no matter how much I thought I was prepared for them. “Not right now. We still have two concerts to go before the end of this tour, and…”

“I never said right now, Joseph.” She shook her head, smiling at me sadly. Of course she knew how much the guys meant to me now. “But after the Mexico concert. I’ll have to talk to our superiors, and I don’t think it will be as clean a switch as we all hoped, but we have to get you out.”

“I know,” I sighed, resigning myself to the idea. It was over. “If you can, however, there’s one thing I would like to do before I’m off the case.”

* * *

Anthony Joseph Fatone had come to terms with his life long ago. Not calling himself by his name, not being able to see his parents, or his brothers, living alone since he was nineteen, checking every week or so with a local FBI agent who was keeping tabs on him. He had also gotten used to the fact that, from time to time, someone would ask him if he was Joey Fatone from *N Sync, and always answered no, even when it could have been a great pickup line. The reason why he had started dating his current girlfriend was because she had said she didn’t see the resemblance when a friend of hers had practically screamed on the street that he had to be Joey.

The one part of the FBI’s plan that had never made sense to him was that his double had ended up famous, being known to anyone who glanced at MTV. That had been odd at best, but the only answer he had gotten when he asked the agent who was checking on his well being was that it was best if Tony, as he was calling himself now, didn’t know any details of what was going on in Orlando.

So Tony kept his mouth shut and kept living his life.

The truth was that he barely thought about the trial if he could help it so when, one morning, his agent came to his house and asked him to join them for a trip, he was surprised and a bit scared. It took three phone checks of the veracity of the agent’s orders before he agreed to leave the house, and a fourth one before he got into a car with a second agent. He was not reassured when drove for what seemed like hours until they arrived at an office building in a town that Tony hadn’t ever visited before.

Remembering how he had been transported from Orlando to his new home, Tony was afraid. It wasn’t that he believed that they were going to take him away from his new family without any warning, but when they left him alone in the empty office he admitted to himself that it was a possibility.

Until the office door opened again and the man who had been pivotal to saving Tony’s life came in.

“Mister Fatone, thanks for joining me,” the other man said. At first glance, he looked like every other agent that Tony had met in the last seven years. Dressed in a dark suit, his badge proudly around his neck, dark glasses, the eternal earpiece and an expression that simply stated ‘do not mess with me.’ What ruined the image were the blond streaks in his hair.

“I haven’t been called Fatone in a while,” Tony said, smiling. “Now it’s…”

“I don’t need to know that,” the agent interrupted him. “In fact, it’s better if you don’t tell me.”

Tony sat down, sighing. He was used to being told that things weren’t necessary, but he had hoped his double would be a little less formal than the others. “Can I know your last name? Because they told me we had the same name when I asked them, but…”

“Who told you my name?” Again with the interruptions, Tony thought. But it was not completely unexpected. He had gotten used to the fact that the FBI agents always thought that what they had to say was more important than whatever he had to say.

So he fished around in his wallet, thankful that he always carried at least one picture with him, and handed it to the agent. “They only told me your first name. And I kind of needed to know because well, I couldn’t baptize her without it. She’s my daughter, Josephine. I wanted to name her after you.”

Tony could see how the agent’s face softened on seeing Josephine’s baby picture. He couldn’t blame him, it happened to Tony every single time. The agent took off his glasses and for the first time in the meeting smiled at him.

“I can’t tell you my surname,” he said, still smiling. “But my friends call me Joey.”

“I figured,” Tony smiled. “You can keep that picture, I have tons of them. We, well, mostly me, I consider you her technical godfather, even when I couldn’t invite you to the baptism. I keep telling my girlfriend I have an uncle that’s always out of town, but when this is all over, maybe you could visit us someday?”

“Your girlfriend?” Joey was frowning. Tony figured no one had told him about Kathy, if he was supposed to stay ignorant about his life. “Not your wife.”

“I’m waiting for after the trial to propose. I’d really like mom and dad to be at my wedding even if mom’s gonna kill me for having a kid out of wedlock.” Tony smiled, but his smile turned into a frown when he saw Joey shake his head.

“I hope she’s ready for the life of a celebrity girlfriend, it’s not exactly easy,” Joey said, sadly. It was obvious to Tony that there was a lot he wasn’t saying.

“What do you mean?”

“The reason why I asked to meet you was because I’m being pulled out of the mission. It’s time to make the switch.”

Tony blinked, surprised. When he had first been put in the program, he had dreamed of the day when they came to tell him that. For about a year or so. Later on, he had decided that he didn’t really care, and when he had met Kathy, he had made a special trip to see the agent in charge of his own security.

“They didn’t tell you?” Tony asked, surprised. “I made a new deal with them. They said they weren’t going to switch us. They said that when the trial was over, you were just going to retire from *N Sync and that was it; that I could keep the restaurant and my life here.”

* * *

October, 2001

Chris was not having a good year. Ever since the tabloid reporting about Joey’s kid, things hadn’t been the same between them. Chris admitted he was mostly to blame because he had refused to believe Joey when he swore that he wasn’t the guy in the picture, that he didn’t have a secret girlfriend and that if he ever fathered a child Chris would be the first to know, not only because Joey would tell him but because he would always be around with said baby, even at concerts.

Despite his stubborn decision to remain angry at Joey, the mental image of Joey trying to dance Space Cowboy with a baby strapped to his back had made him smile.

Still, he couldn’t bring himself to forgive Joey, not when Joey would occasionally disappear for a day or so; not when Joey would spend hours talking alone with Theresa in such a way that Chris thought could only be to make the baby story disappear. So Chris not only continued to hold his grudge against Joey, he nurtured it; even when what he really wanted to do was to believe what Joey told him, and kiss him senseless for a week.

Chris knew he wasn’t being very rational, but rational had never been a word used to describe him anyway.

It didn’t help that Lance was now trying to find more about the baby story (which had disappeared from the tabloids after that first and only mention), or that JC had been convinced for the last month or so that Joey couldn’t be Joey –When Chris asked Lance about it he had been meet with a shrug and a “JC is just being JC”. The only one who seemed unaffected by the situation was Justin, and that was mostly because at the time Justin was busy thinking about his solo album, a possibility that he had toyed with ever since Chris had proposed a hiatus for the group during a meeting back in August.

“Kirkpatrick?” Theresa, who practically lived with them now, called him out of his hotel room. They had decided to stay together for a couple of days after the charity concert to rest for a while before each went to do their personal stuff during the winter. “Can you come to the conference room? We need to talk with all of you guys.”

Fully aware that saying no to Theresa was not an option, Chris got up from his bed and went out to the aisle where JC, Justin and Lance joined him.

“Where’s Joey?” He asked only to be met with blank stares.

“He wasn’t in his room,” Lance said, and that worried Chris. As much as he wanted to stay angry at Joey, he didn’t want him in more troubles with their PR agent.

They got to the conference room, and Chris was surprised to see that while none of their other PR people were there -not even Johnny who was usually in every meeting about the group- Theresa wasn’t alone. She was talking with three other men dressed in dark suits and wearing dark glasses, with Federal ID’s on their lapels. Even though Chris hadn’t the best eyesight in the group, the big white FBI letters were hard to miss. Then one of them turned around to see them and Chris bit his tongue so avoid yelling. It was Joey. Only, Joey wasn’t smiling. He didn’t even look angry. He was completely expressionless, and Chris had never seen Joey like that.

Before Chris could ask what was going on, however, Theresa turned around and saw them. Her lapel also held an FBI ID.

“I’m glad you’re here. Now we can begin the meeting,” she said, in her usual icy tone.

Joey nodded at her, and took off his jacket before sitting down. Behind him, Chris heard Justin gasp. He couldn’t blame him, and Chris would’ve done the same if he wasn’t too busy gaping at the gun holster, complete with gun, that could be seen under Joey’s arm.


	5. M.I.S.S.I.O.N. Ending

October 2001

I could hear them when they entered the room, and I felt my heart breaking. This was going to be the hardest part of my mission, as far as I was concerned. A part I never thought I was going to see, since their discovery of my real identity had never been even considered.

There had been too many things not considered in this mission. The way the guys would feel was just one of them.

When I felt their eyes on me, I turned around briefly. Only my years of discipline helped me not to break down when I saw Chris’s confused expression. It really didn’t matter to me that he didn’t look angry. Whatever the result of the meeting, I was pretty sure it was going to be the last time I saw them.

Agent Rourke turned around and, with her usual sang-froid, informed us that the meeting was about to start. Without really thinking, I took off my jacket. I didn’t turn when I heard Justin’s surprised gasp. I guess they never expected me to be carrying a gun.

Not that I had been carrying a gun when it was actually necessary. If I had, maybe my leg wouldn’t have ended up under our stage.

“What’s going on, Theresa?” Lance took the initiative, as I figured he would do. He had always been on top of everything, and more than once I saw him pretend he wasn’t surprised or scared in order to keep control of a situation.

“There’s no easy way to explain this, so I’ll ask you to hold your questions until I’ve finished,” Theresa began. We had discussed how to break the news to the group, and she decided the best approach was the direct one. “In 1996 the Bureau started an investigation against Lou Pearlman since we suspected him of many crimes. Unfortunately, there was no solid evidence against him until a young man came forward as a witness for a crime Pearlman committed. In order to protect the witness, he was placed on the protection program. When this happened, our superiors saw a chance to infiltrate Pearlman’s organization with relative ease and one of our agents was placed undercover to try and get into one of the groups that Pearlman was about to fund at the time.”

“No.” Chris was the first one to speak, turning to see me. He had quickly added the dates and come to the right conclusion. It was painful to hear.

“Mr. Kirkpatrick, please, let me finish.” Theresa held up her hand, and Chris turned back to see her. It was very hard for me to keep still, but I managed. “Agent Barr here was the one chosen for the mission because he looked remarkably like our witness. He has been working deep undercover ever since he met with you at the club, first gathering information against Pearlman and later protecting the witness and your lives.”

“So everything was a lie,” Chris said, looking straight at me. I didn’t miss the emphasis. He wasn’t talking about what I told him about myself, or about my so called life before the group. He was talking about us.

I couldn’t let him go on believing that, not if this was the last time I spoke to him.

“Chris, I…”

“Agent Barr!” Theresa’s voice interrupted me before I could finish my phrase. Before I could think about what I could tell him. “One more word and I’ll have you removed from this meeting.”

“Why can’t he talk to us?” Lance asked, frowning.

“Unfortunately, this past year has shown us that it is impossible to keep the cover. So Agent Barr is off the case and since you’re all potential witness he is forbidden to have contact with you. He asked to be in this meeting but after it is over you won’t see him again.”

There was a long silence after Theresa’s statement. I figured that would be it, the meeting would end and I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to them. But Lance surprised me.

“With all due respect, ah, Agent Rourke, but Agent Barr can’t leave us now,” he said, sounding amazingly calm given the circumstances.

“Mr. Bass, you aren’t in a position to negotiate. The bureau knows what’s best for the case.”

“I’ll assume that your plan includes adding the other Fatone to the group for the last tour that we already have committed to? Because given that our schedule is packed until it begins, it will be impossible to teach him to act as the public expects Joey Fatone to act. Most of our schedule includes heavy promotional work for the movie in which Joey acted, so any mistake could point to the switch. Not to mention all the choreography for the tour. Even pretending a non-fatal injury, we would only win a couple of months. If it is obvious that Joey is not the same person he was before, the people you’re investigating could easily figure out what happened and kill him, especially if you withdraw the protection from the group. And given that Joey has always been one of the first to shoot down the rumors of *N Sync disbanding, it would make no sense for him to leave the group.”

Inwardly, I smiled. Lance was telling then exactly what I had wanted to say ever since they told me I was off the case. Although it worried me that Theresa had never mentioned that Tony didn’t want to join *N Sync because it was a big thing. While what Lance said was true, Chris and I had always been the first in line to defend *N Sync’s closeness, I wasn’t sure it was enough to keep me in the case if the superiors had decided otherwise.

“There’s no other option, Mr. Bass,” Theresa answered, and I knew she thought that was the truth. She and I had been looking for any other way out, from just telling JC and convincing him not to say anything, to trying to go on as if nothing had happened. She cared about them almost as much as I did, even if she didn’t show it.

“I’m pretty sure you’ve thought this through,” Lance pressed on. I was amazed at the way he seemed to take everything in his stride. Once I had joked with JC that nothing could surprise Lance, and now I could see that it was probably true. Or that my friend could bluff like the best agent in the agency. Either option sounded good. “However, if the switch is discovered by the wrong people, is not only the other Fatone who is in danger, it’s also ourselves, and his wife and baby, because I’m going to assume he was the one in the photograph back in March. And if he somehow gets hurt, I don’t see the press letting the news go easily. I suppose you could stop CNN or Fox news from reporting it, but E!, MTV, People and Rolling Stone would be all over the news of a popular member of a very big boyband getting hurt or killed while under FBI protection.”

“Is that a threat, Mr. Bass?” Theresa didn’t sound pissed, but I knew she was. One of the things she hated the most was to be corrected by someone younger than herself.

“No. I’m saying I can think of another way, if you care to listen to it. Jo- Agent Barr could stay for the last tour. We were planning a temporary break after it anyway, and no one would suspect if Joey disappeared from the public eye for a while. It would only be until April, and in that time we could coach the other Joey enough to make a few public appearances. And if we – that is, *N Sync- acknowledge the existence of someone who *looks* like Joey, that would throw Pearlman off. If we’re willing to let Joey be photographed with the other Joey, it means that there’s nothing to hide. Even if they suspect something, their attempts would be against Agent Barr, who can defend himself. And since we’re surrounded by cameras pretty much all the time, you could get even more evidence if something like that happened. That is, if he doesn’t mind being on the case for a few more months.”

Theresa didn’t need to see me or even talk to me to know my answer. Even when my friendship with the guys was doomed now that they knew I had lied to them, I would have jumped at the chance to stay a bit more. Especially since what Lance said was true. When we corralled Pearlman, he would try to retaliate. All the witnesses, not just the key ones, would be in danger. If I could stay, I could protect them. Until the trial at least.

So it was her call. She could choose to listen to Lance and try and talk to our superiors, or stick to our original orders.

“It is an interesting proposal, Mr. Bass,” Theresa said, although I knew as well as she did it would be a hard sell. Taking pictures of me next to Tony would be admitting that someone at the Protection program screwed up, and even though someone had screwed up, we knew they weren’t keen on admitting their mistakes.

“So you will think about it?” Lance didn’t back down. It seemed to me that he wasn’t going to rest until Theresa assured him that I was going to participate in that last tour.

“We’ll put your suggestion to our superiors.” It wasn’t a yes, but it was as close as Lance was going to get from her. “But for now, we will ask you to follow our plan. There are no important scheduled appearances of the group through November, so we have time to consider your idea.”

“Fair enough,” Lance said, shrugging. The others were still looking at me as if I had grown an extra head. “Can we talk to Joey now?”

“I’m sorry, but Agent Barr has to leave with me now. He has to report to our offices,” she said, shaking her head. “And I took the liberty of scheduling a second meeting for you today.”

“What now?” Chris grumbled. He was trying not to look at me, and that hurt more than anything else. “Wade is an alien?”

“Agent Barr, you’re dismissed.” Theresa ignored Chris, as she had known he wasn’t going to be happy with what had happened. I rose from my seat and left the room. I knew what was coming. The second part of the deal that had allowed me to be in the last group meeting was that I was not to be in the same place as him.

Still, as I was closing the door, I could hear Theresa introduce the guys. As far as I knew, my mission was now over.

* * *

“Chris, Lance, JC, Justin, I’d like you to meet the real Joseph Anthony Fatone Jr.”

Justin was still trying to understand exactly what had happened when Joey -Agent Barr as Theresa called him- left and the opposite door of the room opened to let another Joey in.

He looked pretty much like their Joey, but there were many differences easy to spot. For one, this Joey didn’t have blond highlights in his hair, didn’t wear it spiked and gelled; this Joey had a full beard, pretty much like the one their Joey had been wearing a couple of years ago; he also looked a bit heavier, like before they started a tour. It was Joey, but it wasn’t Joey and that confused Justin.

“We will leave you alone for a moment, Anthony. If you need anything, Agent Newhart will be outside the door,” Theresa said, shaking the new Joey’s hand.

“Thank you, Miss Rourke,” not-Joey smiled at her and waited until she left before he turned around to face them. The first one he focused on was JC, and that surprised Justin. He knew JC had been Joey’s friend from before the group was formed, but at the same time, he had gotten used to see Joey either with Lance or with Chris. Even if this guy wasn’t Joey, he looked enough like Joey to bother Justin. “Uhm, this is awkward. Did they explain everything to you, guys?”

 

“Joe?” JC was the first to talk. Not surprising, Justin guessed. If anyone should have known that something weird was going on with Joey, with their Joey, it should have been JC, since JC was supposed to be Joey’s friend. The other Joey’s friend. This Joey. It was starting to get confusing in Justin’s mind.

“I go by Tony now, JC. I’m very glad to see you. Congratulations on the group, by the way. I knew you had the talent for this.” Not-Joey, Tony, smiled at JC, but JC didn’t answer the smile. He didn’t look especially happy to see his old friend.

“You’re an idiot,” JC blurted out, as if he hadn’t really heard Tony. “How could you let someone photograph you and publish your picture all over the country? Aren’t you supposed to be in Witness Protection? That’s what Theresa said, and while she wasn’t happy that we finally caught on what was going on, we would have never known if it wasn’t for that photograph!”

They all turned to look at JC, shocked. While they had seen JC angry many times in their seven years of friendship, it still was not that common. Justin in particular was still trying to come to terms with the ‘our Joey is an FBI Agent’ news, so the part of ‘the other Joey was in the Witness Protection Program’ still hadn’t really sunk in.

It was Lance again who tried to defuse the situation that had grown a bit tense. “In his defense, JC, paparazzi usually don’t ask for *our* permission to publish *our* pictures. If we’re lucky, it goes past our PR department, but that’s not always the case.”

“I had no idea I was being photographed, JC,” Tony explained to his friend. “And neither did the agent who was in charge of checking my security. Which is why they got him off the case, Joseph told me. He wasn’t happy either when he talked to me about it.”

“They let you talk with Joey?” Justin asked, frowning. The only person he wanted to explain to them what was going on was Joey, and he was the only one who wasn’t talking to them. “When? What did he say? Does he want to leave the group?”

That was the question that was burning Justin. He still wasn’t sure that he believed everything Theresa had told them, and deep inside he wished that it was all a bad joke on Joey and Theresa’s part, but if the story was true, he wanted to know if Joey hadn’t been happy with them. If all the friendship and support he had given them over the years was just an act.

Because if it was an act, that guy was a hell of an actor. Justin refused to believe that it was all a lie, no matter what Theresa had said. Joey had always been there for them. For Justin, when Justin was debating over telling everyone about Britney, when Lance had been sick, and later supporting Lance in every single new project he got into; their Joey had been the first one to vote in favor of adding JC’s songs to No Strings Attached, and had practically become Chris’s shadow. That couldn’t be an act.

“I didn’t ask him that,” Tony answered. “We talked mostly about what was going to happen to me now that the case is almost over. But he talked a lot about all of you.”

“Did he now?” Chris asked, somewhat coldly. Justin figured it had something to do with the fact that for the last six months, Chris hadn’t been really speaking to Joey. Sure, they talked about stupid stuff, and schedules, and performing, but not really, really talked. Justin knew that Chris had been mad at Joey for the paparazzi pictures, and now that they knew it hadn’t been Joey’s fault, maybe Chris was feeling foolish for holding a grudge for such a long time.

“Almost as much as I talked about my baby girl.” Tony’s smile, for a moment, looked a lot like Joey. Close enough to fool someone who didn’t know Joey, and Justin could see Chris flinch at that. It was too weird. “Which made our conversation strange, since it was also the first time we met.”

“You didn’t know the guy who was putting his life on hold to protect you?” JC looked at his old friend obviously surprised. “Come on, you must have coached him on your life back then.”

“Not really, it was another agent who asked me to give all the details about my life, friends and all that. They said it was dangerous for the mission if I met Joseph. I was really surprised when they took me to see him a couple of weeks ago.”

There was another awkward pause, in which no one seemed to know what to say. Not even Lance, who had taken the control of the situation with Theresa, seemed to be able to find words. Finally, Justin couldn’t take it anymore. “Nice to meet you, by the way. I’m Justin.”

Tony looked at him, before starting to smile. “We should’ve started there, right? Anthony Vecchio, for the last seven years at least.”

“They let you keep part of your name? Cool.” JC half smiled. He seemed less angry now that he had yelled at Tony. “I’m sure it made things easier.”

“I think it made it easier for them,” Tony joked. “You guys know Agent Barr’s full name, right?”

“That didn’t come up at our meeting, no,” Lance said, holding up his hand. “Oh, and I’m Lance.”

“Joseph’s best friend. He told me,” Tony answered, shaking Lance’s hand. “Well, his full name is Joseph Anthony, almost just like mine. So to keep all communication simple, they let me keep the Anthony, since he was going to be known as Joseph. They had a very tight plan so no one would get confused before they could close the case.”

“How convenient,” Chris practically growled. “Makes it easier for you to just take his place, right? Well, sorry if I sound rude, but there’s no way you’re joining the group. Good bye.”

With that, he simply turned around and left the room. Justin looked at Tony, who looked shocked but not offended or even angry.

“Wait,” he asked the rest of them, bewildered. “Why would… no, I mean, didn’t they tell you?”

“Tell us what?” Justin asked, still trying to decide between staying with the guys or going after Chris.

“I’m not staying here,” Tony answered quickly. “I’m not taking his place, or anything like that.”

“What do you mean?” JC turned to see Tony, puzzled. “Theresa said that Joey, the other Joey, was leaving, we assumed it meant they wanted us to get you in the group.”

“Uh, no, guys. Sorry, no offense but what you do is not what I want to do with the rest of my life.”

That made Justin turn around, confused. “What do you mean, it’s not what you want to do? Why not? What’s wrong with being admired for your talent? I didn’t follow a lot of what Theresa said, but you’ve put your life on hold for seven years, right? Why don’t you want to have that life back?” As soon as he said that, Justin realized that he had sort of said that they could replace their Joey, which was exactly what he didn’t want. No one could replace their Joey. “I bet you can’t sing.”

And that was a lame way to try and fix what he had just said, but Tony actually chuckled. “I haven’t really sung since leaving Orlando, but I wasn’t bad.”

“Then why don’t you want your life back?” Justin knew he was digging himself into a bigger hole, but he had to know.

“Because I have a life, and it’s a good one,” Tony answered, shrugging. “Sure, it will be great to talk to mom and dad again, and introduce them to their granddaughter even if they’ll kill me for not marrying Kathy before Josephine was born, and yes, back then I had this big dream of becoming an actor, but things changed. I really can’t picture myself doing what you guys do. Sorry.”

Justin frowned, puzzled. “Josephine?”

“My baby girl,” Tony smiled proudly before reaching for his wallet and pulling out a small picture. “She’s seven months old now.”

“The FBI knew about your wishes?” Lance asked while Tony showed them the picture of a sleeping baby. “That you didn’t want to join *N Sync?”

“For about three years or so, since I made the decision,” Tony told them, before looking down. “Sorry about that. Now that I think about it, Joseph didn’t know either… guess they do have to work on those ‘need to know’ guidelines.”

* * *

December 2001

I still can’t believe my luck. Most of it is thanks to Lance, I know, and I wish I could thank him, but things have changed too much.

I’m still on the case. I’m still with *N Sync, and that’s all thanks to Lance’s idea -and to the fact that Theresa did her part: bugging our superiors until they realized that no matter how much they wanted to close the case, to pull me out without having at least a trial date was a bad idea.

We didn’t acknowledge Tony’s existence, though. The chief thought it would be too dangerous for him, and I agree. People have forgotten all about the baby rumor, so anything to call attention to the fact that there’s a guy who looks just like Joey Fatone would be an unnecessary risk.

Still, things have changed too much.

Chris still doesn’t talk to me. He doesn’t avoid me, and we have managed to perform without any tension showing between us, but we haven’t really talked in months. When we’re with the others, he does talk a lot, but he never addresses me or answers my questions directly. And the very few times we’re alone together, he looks at me as if he was about to say something, then he turns around and leaves.

He’s driving me crazy, because I don’t know how to fix it. I know I have to at least try to talk to him before the mission is over, but I don’t know how I’m going to do that.

JC is more or less back to normal. Once the agency let me back –once they were satisfied that the only ones who knew my real identity were the four guys- we had a very awkward conversation. I had just gone back to the house I had bought in Orlando for Tony, still not believing what had happened, when JC came in. For a moment, I almost pulled out my gun. I had forgotten that I had given them all keys to that house.

“Seven years?” he asked, as soon as he saw me relax. “You put your life on hold for a complete stranger for seven years?”

“Hi, JC,” I greeted him, not knowing what else to say. It wasn’t something I thought about. Back when I had been handed the mission, I had had my own reasons for accepting it, but in the end it wasn’t a question of saying no. Even if I hadn’t had any other reasons, I couldn’t let a kid be killed just because I wanted to keep my name. “Does it help if I tell you that it wasn’t planned to last this long?”

“Not really, no.”

We had talked a bit more after that, and although on the surface it seemed like everything was fine between us, he never called me by my name when we were not in front of a camera, and he still looked at me as if he was expecting me to act differently around them. It confused me a lot.

Justin was a different story. I made him nervous. Even if we were not completely alone, I couldn’t ask him ‘What are you doing?’ without him jumping up to the ceiling. I had to remind him that I had brought him beer back when he was still under 21 a couple of times –a fact that I had always omitted in my reports- and that I wasn’t going to arrest him for looking at porn at least three times a week. It wasn’t a coincidence that we were never alone at any time either.

Lance, though, hadn’t changed at all. It was as if that nightmarish meeting had never happened. I couldn’t figure out why, so I asked him directly the day we were scheduled to start recording the video for Girlfriend.

“Why are you still calling me Joey when we’re alone? You’re the only one that does it now.”

“Justin just called you Joey during the radio interview,” Lance answered, smiling. It warmed my heart, since it was really as if nothing had changed, and they still thought I was just another one of the guys. “I’m hardly the only one.”

“You know what I mean, Lance.” I shook my head. I had never prepared for this particular situation. They should have never learned the truth.

“It is your name, isn’t it? While Theresa never had the decency to tell us, Anthony did. You’re Joey, what else am I supposed to call you?”

I blinked, surprised. Truthfully, I had never looked at it from that particular point of view. “So you’re not mad?”

“Not with you, no.” Lance shrugged, sitting down on the couch of the dressing room. “With Theresa, maybe. But it wasn’t as if you could tell us.”

“I lied to all of you.”

Lance closed his eyes for a second, before looking at me intently. “You omitted part of the truth, which is not exactly lying. And you had no other choice, as far as I know. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, Joe, and then I realized that if you hadn’t been here, I would have probably ended up dead when I was asking so many questions back in Transcon. The stomach flu wasn’t stomach flu, right?”

“You were poisoned,” I admitted. There was no danger if he knew that now.

“And I bet it wasn’t the only time, so I can’t be angry because you were saving our lives,” Lance finished. “So I have only one question. Are you really my friend or was that just part of your job?”

“I am your friend, Lance, you know that.”

“There you go,” he smiled again, punching me in the arm as I got closer. “So you had a different surname and a different part-time job. That really doesn’t matter to me.”

I laughed at the idea of being in the bureau as a part-time job, and soon he was laughing with me.

For a moment, Lance made me believe things could go back to normal with the rest of the group.

* * *

March, 2002

Chris sighed, watching the road from the window of the bus. In the back, he could hear Justin and JC arguing about something. Maybe a rhyme, or an arrangement, he wasn’t sure. He had stopped paying attention to those discussions more or less about the time the words ‘solo album’ were said by both.

At times like this, he wished that he had just asked to be on the two man bus with Lance, but he also knew it would have been impossible. Justin simply couldn’t be left alone with that guy without having a nervous breakdown, and he had insisted that he needed to be on the same bus as JC to talk about music. And Chris couldn’t be with him. That was out of the question.

He knew, deep down, that he was being a little childish, but he couldn’t help it. At first, he had been convinced that Joey was playing with him. That he really had a secret girlfriend and he was having a baby. That was why he refused to talk to Joey, because he felt stupid, chasing after someone who was taken.

It made sense too, because Joey had always told him that he wasn’t who Chris thought he was. Chris thought Joey was single, and gay, when in truth he was almost married and straight.

At least it made sense in Chris’s head.

But just as Chris was coming to terms with it, and had almost decided that Joey’s friendship was too important to let it be destroyed just for a tabloid rumor, they had had that stupid meeting.

Joey really wasn’t who Chris thought he was.

He was a secret agent. An honest-to-god undercover agent who carried a gun, followed orders, and probably knew ten or so ways to kill a person.

No wonder he never seemed too worried if their bodyguards weren’t in sight.

And there was another Joey. The real father of the kid that had caused Chris to stop talking to his Joey. Chris refused to talk about the subject with the others, but he had figured that by the time the meeting was over, there would be a new Joey in *N Sync and he would never see his Joey again.

It hadn’t exactly happened that way, and the agent was back on the group thanks to Theresa and Lance. Part of Chris was happy because it meant that he had a chance to talk to him. The rest of him was terrified.

What if everything Joey, the agent, had done was because of the mission, because he needed to keep his cover? Chris had been actively trying to seduce him for years, and if the guy wasn’t really gay he could be very mad about it.

And if he hadn’t done those things because of the mission, then Chris had been an ass. Chris had no idea how to apologize to someone who could kill you with his bare hands. Well, maybe Joey couldn’t kill someone with his bare hands, but Chris wasn’t sure if he wanted to take the risk.

There were other things to be considered too. A couple of months ago, Justin innocently commented that they could celebrate his and Joey’s birthdays in the same party since the dates were so close to each other.

“Joey’s birthday is not in January,” Lance had said, before Joey could answer for himself.

There had been a long silence after that, and Chris had almost hit his head against the wall. Of course Joey’s birthday was not in January. That was the other Joey’s birthday, and they had been celebrating that instead of Joey’s real birthday for the past few years. And that also meant that Joey was probably not 25.

“When is your birthday?” JC asked Joey, smiling tentatively. “Your real birthday, I mean.”

Joey smiled sadly, and Chris’s heart almost broke right then. That was another thing that bothered him immensely. He said he liked Joey, he wouldn’t mind admitting he had had a crush on the other man for many years, and yet he had never noticed anything strange. Celebrating someone else’s birthday for years, and not one’s own couldn’t be easy on anyone. “It’s not that far behind. It’s on February, 18. But it’s ok if we celebrate it in January. Helps to keep my cover anyway.”

So they had celebrated both birthdays together, and while Justin seemed to forget the whole conversation, Chris didn’t. Feeling incredibly foolish, he had gone out and bought a small gift for Joey to give it to him on his real birthday; it wasn’t even an expensive gift, just a way of saying ‘hey, sorry that I missed the last seven’. Before he knocked on the green room door, however, he had caught part of a conversation Joey was having with Lance, the only one of the group who had kept acting as if nothing had happened.

“You’re not going to open your gift?” Lance was saying, and Chris decided to stay very quiet.

“You shouldn’t have, Lance,” Joey answered, but Chris could tell by his tone of voice that he was happy. “You guys celebrated my birthday back in January, remember?”

“That was more Justin’s party, and you know it, Joey,” Lance chuckled. “I remembered the actual date, now you have to confess. How many candles should we have put in that cake?”

“I’m not going to admit that maybe I might be a year older than Chris, Lance,” Joey said, and Chris could hear laughter in his voice. He didn’t wait to hear Lance’s answer, he just turned around and left.

It wasn’t that it bothered him that Joey was older than him. It bothered him that all this time he had been treating Joey as this younger, innocent, naïve man when he had probably seen a lot in his years in the FBI. It bothered him that he was falling in love with a guy that probably didn’t exist, was just a very well constructed lie. What really bothered him was that, all things considered, he didn’t know Joey at all.

* * *

April 18, 2002.

Theresa called me to a meeting in her temporary office shortly before our concert to tell me that the Florida DA finally had put her ass in gear and got Pearlman arrested. The evidence we handed her wasn’t enough to keep him in jail, since he had more than enough money to pay his bail, and since we do not have enough proof to show that he’s been doing money laundering with a couple of Jive executives, the DA is thinking about making a deal.

The worst part is that he has been notified of the investigation, and since the DA will call Tony to the stand, he probably knows that ‘I’ am a danger to him. The boss ordered three more agents to keep an eye on Fatone, just in case.

But that was not all of it. Apparently, the DA also put the rest of the guys on the witness list. Since our boss doesn’t think their statements will be crucial, there’s no security to be added. Except for me.

When we’re not on the stage, I am to be carrying my gun and badge at all times, and if the guys can’t be with at least two of our bodyguards, I have to be with them.

The truth is that the chief doesn’t think that Pearlman will try something, but Theresa and I aren’t that convinced.

The trial will start the second week of May. Once it starts, I’ll be officially off the case again. By then, the group hiatus will have begun, so there will be no need to explain ‘Joey’s absence. Lance wants to try his hand at going off to space, Justin and JC want to try their luck as solo artists and Chris…

Chris seems to want to be as far away from me as he can.

I have to talk to him. Even if it’s just for a couple of minutes, I can’t leave without trying to fix my friendship with him.

* * *

April 29, 2002

As soon as the technician told them that they could have a break, Chris left the sound booth.

He knew it was probably the last time they would record together in a long time. Probably the last time ever, because their lawyer had informed them that they were requested to testify in a trial against Lou Pearlman in May, and Chris knew that it meant that Joey’s mission was over.

Without the mission, Joey had no reason to stay around, and Chris still hadn’t managed to let go of his hurt pride to talk to him.

Chris couldn’t stand to be around Joey under those circumstances, so he preferred to be alone.

“Chris, wait!” Of course, the object of his pain couldn’t take a hint. Chris turned around to see Joey running towards him. “You shouldn’t be alone.”

“I want to be alone,” Chris answered, not looking at him. “I’ll be back before they need us again.”

“I’m sorry, Chris, but that’s not really an option,” Joey said, in a tone that left no question as to his meaning. Chris sighed. Of course it wasn’t because Joey wanted to be with Chris, it was because some higher up had decided that none of them could be left alone. “Besides, we need to talk.”

That was what Chris had been dreading. But he suspected Joey was not going to let him put it off for much longer. Chris closed his eyes and sighed. “There’s nothing to say, I was an idiot, you had us all fooled with your lies. End of story.”

“Not everything was a lie,” Joey said, and Chris looked up against his will. “In fact, except for my surname, my age, my birthday and a few details of my family life, I never lied to you. From the beginning, I was as sincere as I could be with all of you.”

“You really were a drama geek in high school?” Chris finally managed to say. “That’s hard to believe.”

“Before I decided to join the Bureau? You bet I was. My mom made me take a hundred singing classes, and acting was actually helpful when I got my first assignment.” Joey smiled, walking closer. “Chris, I’m really sorry if I hurt you.”

Chris sighed. If Joey was trying to mend things between them, he couldn’t ignore him. “You didn’t. It was just my own stupidity that hurt me. You were only doing your job.”

“Chris, please, look at me.” Joey put his hand on Chris’s shoulder, but Chris moved away. He didn’t want to do something foolish, not when he still was trying to figure out exactly how he fitted in Joey’s real life. “I was doing my job, yes, but that doesn’t mean you guys aren’t my friends. It stopped being just a job for me very early on.”

“I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but don’t, please,” Chris exploded. “Look, you weren’t the one who was making a fool of himself by trying to seduce a non-existent person. So I have to deal with that. And I can’t really deal with it if you’re still acting as if you were him.”

“I’m not acting, Chris,” Joey started to say. “I didn’t change my whole personality overnight, ok? Since only JC knew Tony, I could be myself most of the time. It was just a change of name. Lance sees that, JC sees that… even Justin some of the time. Why can’t you?”

Because they weren’t in love with you, Chris wanted to say. But before he could answer with that, -or something less idiotic- Joey turned around at the sound of someone coming towards them. From behind Joey, Chris could see it was one of the studio workers.

“Excuse me, are you Joey Fatone and Chris Kirkpatrick, from *N Sync?”

“Yeah,” Joey answered, but he sounded a bit tense. And he wasn’t moving, covering Chris with his body. “Can we help you?”

“Not really, just checking. I would’ve hated to get the wrong ones,” the guy answered, and the next thing Chris knew was that Joey was pushing him towards the floor, and he heard two or maybe three gunshots. Since he knew he would only get in Joey’s way, Chris stayed as still as he could, his eyes closed, praying that Joey would be ok.

After the last shot, he heard Joey take a sharp breath, and two more shots before he heard more steps on the aisle. Only then did he dare to look up.

Joey was holding his body against the wall, one hand over his stomach. On the opposite wall, the guy who had shot at them was being subdued by Theresa and Lonnie, a combination that Chris had never thought he would see.

“Is he alive?” Joey asked, breathing with some difficulty. “I had no time to aim carefully.”

“He’s alive, agent Barr,” Theresa answered, turning her attention to Chris. “Are you hurt, Kirkpatrick?”

“No, I’m fine,” Chris said, not looking at her. He was focused on Joey, and on the red stain around Joey’s hand. “Joey is hurt.”

“It’s nothing,” Joey, surprisingly, smiled at him. “It just looks worse than it really is.”

But that was obviously not true. As soon as he finished saying those words, Joey closed his eyes and fainted. Right on the spot. Almost falling over the terrified Chris.


	6. M.I.S.S.I.O.N. Teamwork

May 2002

Chris looked at his reflection in the mirror and sighed. He wasn’t supposed to be there, the group was supposed to be on a hiatus and there shouldn’t be any need for them all to be seen together.

It wasn’t even the whole group. It was just him, JC and Joey, and it was just to have fun. But it wasn’t Joey since Joey was in a hospital somewhere, hopefully recuperating from the wounds he had received while saving Chris’s life.

Since the FBI wasn’t going to risk anyone finding out about the swap –though in Chris’s opinion it was a bit late to worry about that-- they had suggested that Tony could take Joey’s place, as long as they didn’t need to sing.

Chris had to admit that Tony did look a lot like Joey, especially after makeup did their magic, which was the reason why Chris was trying his best not to look at him. When he did, he could clearly remember Joey’s body over his own, and the smell of blood on his clothes.

Not a good memory.

They had tried to ask Theresa about Joey’s health, but she had not been very helpful. She told them that he was alive and that his location was classified, but that was it. There were no visitors allowed, and she couldn’t pass any message to him.

It was killing Chris, because he had realized finally that he had lost Joey, and he could have lost him in the most permanent way if the gunman’s bullet had been a little higher.

The only thing that made it almost well was that the attacker had been caught alive, and he had been more than happy to talk in exchange for a deal. He had told the FBI everything he knew about Pearlman --who had hired him to kill Joey because Joey was a witness for the trial--, and as a bonus, what little he knew about Pearlman’s deals with one of the other Jive executives. In the end, while Tony had had to testify, Joey’s testimony was not needed. The fact that he had been working undercover for seven years had never come to light, so the world didn’t know that Tony Fatone and Joey Barr weren’t the same person.

The trial was going slowly, but Theresa had told them that it was practically a closed case. The attacker’s confession had led them to evidence necessary to tie Pearlman to a small drug dealing operation, and that meant that the fat bastard would spend a lot of time in jail.

Chris tried to be happy for Joey, since it meant that his hard work hadn’t been for nothing. Unfortunately, he also realized that the price for victory had been *N Sync.

While they were waiting to know if their friend, and protector, would survive, Chris had finally realized that there was no way that Joey would want to stay with them. And without Joey, *N Sync couldn’t exist. It didn’t matter if Joey wasn’t really a 20 something wannabe actor when they had met. At the end, the fact that he had been there had helped *N Sync become what it had been.

Chris also knew that the others felt the same way. Since Joey wouldn’t come back, the hiatus would never end.

*N Sync was over.

* * *

The roof is white, with gray dots. I’ve counted the dots a couple of times since I woke up, but I keep forgetting my place, so I can’t tell you how many dots are there.

I’m about to die of boredom, that’s for sure.

The doctor told me that I was lucky. The bullet stopped short of hitting my lower left rib, barely missing my kidney and my spleen. If it had been just half an inch lower, I would’ve lost one or both. The bullet also hit a minor vein, which was why I almost bled to death, and for a moment during surgery they were afraid they couldn’t pinpoint the origin of the bleeding, but they were now confident that it was just a matter of time before I could return to full duty. Two months, one of them in the hospital for recuperation, but after that, I was a free man.

Unfortunately, I haven’t had anyone to share the good news with.

Agent Rourke came to see me a couple of days after my surgery. She told me that the case had been successfully closed, Pearlman was looking at twenty years, my would-be killer five thanks to the deal he had cut, and the dirty Jive executive who laundered money for Pearlman had fifteen. My testimony hadn’t been necessary, so my cover was intact. Not that it mattered anymore since I wasn’t going to need it.

None of the guys came to see me, or even sent me a message through Theresa.

While I’ve tried to be objective about it, while I know that my location is probably classified information, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt that my friends didn’t try. Or maybe they did, and it’s Theresa who’s hiding it from me.

Anyway, I am alone, and I have had a lot of time to think.

When I took the mission, I did it because I had no choice, because it was the right thing to do, because it would save at least one life. But mostly, I did it because I was running away.

At first I complained about all the things I had sacrificed for the mission, but the truth was that I couldn’t keep going the way I had been. I can see that, now, because distance gives things perspective. I was running away from being me, and that’s why I took a mission that couldn’t be done in less than a year.

Seven years later, I find myself in the same position.

My boss, a new one since the old chief got promoted while I was breaking sales records, offered me a new mission, this time in Alaska, and something a lot more serious than money laundry. I won’t be alone, and this time my cover won’t involve becoming someone who does exist.

He gave me the choice of not going, but not taking the mission is not really an option for me.

I have to put the last seven years behind me. While I will always consider the guys my friends, I can’t be in their lives, and they can’t be in mine, so it’s better if I start working on something else. Put some distance between my old self and Joey Fatone.

Maybe then I’ll be able to forget my feelings for Chris.

* * *

February 2003

Chris opened the door to the empty house, trying not to make too much noise. It was stupid, since he knew that the house was empty, but habits died hard.

Ever since Joey, the real one, the one who had been with them for seven years, bought that house, Chris had had a key. Chris had made it a personal rule always to sneak in silently, trying to surprise Joey. He had never quite managed it, and now he realized that it had been a good thing that Joey always knew when Chris got in. Chris had been lucky he had never been shot by his best friend.

It was no surprise to find that Joey wasn’t there.

Chris had been pleased when he returned from his country wide travels to find that the house hadn’t been sold or rented. He had tried to locate Theresa to ask her if Joey was thinking about returning there, but she never answered his calls.

It had been Tony, in one of the few times he had to pretend he was Joey, who told him what was going on with the house.

“Joseph wanted me to have it,” he said, when they were alone in the car that would take them to the hotel. “He still thinks the money he made with you guys should be mine.”

“And you don’t?” It wasn’t that Chris hated the guy, but he couldn’t just warm up to him. Every word Chris said to Tony was laced with the thought that if it wasn’t for that guy, Joey would still be there with them. Or maybe they never would have meet Joey. Then Chris’s heart wouldn’t hurt.

“Nah,” Tony stretched on the seat, very much like Joey used to do. “It’s his money. He is the one who was breaking his back dancing and singing with you guys. So it’s his house. The only money I ever took from him was when I needed a loan to open the restaurant, and I’m trying to pay him that. It’s just that no one at the bureau lets me.”

Chris had then hired a housekeeper to keep the house in shape. She went there every Wednesday and Sunday, keeping the house ready for when Joey decided to return. If nothing else, Chris thought bitterly when he also hired a gardener, Joey would have the best retirement house in the world when he left the agency.

Still, Chris didn’t go to the empty house very often. It depressed him, and reminded him of the last time he had seen Joey.

Almost a year had passed since then, and the only thing they knew was that Agent Barr was in a new post. Chris tried very hard not to think that something bad had happened, that the new mission could’ve been more dangerous than staying with them.

He tried to ignore the fact that if Joey died, they would never know. They weren’t even family, so no one would think about informing them.

Chris sighed, and sat on the couch. He and Joey had bought that one together, back when Chris was still ignorant of Joey’s true identity. Back when he still thought Joey’s birthday was in January and organized small surprise parties for him, even when half the time the only other guests were the guys.

“Happy birthday, Joey,” he muttered to the empty room. “It would be a nice surprise if I could see you now.”

* * *

May 2003

Theresa had changed, was Lance’s first thought upon seeing the FBI agent. She had cut her hair short and dyed it black. She still looked as if she could freeze a flame with one look, and in fact, in her dark suit, she looked even more imposing than she had done in all the years working for Jive.

Not for the first time, Lance wondered if locating her had been a good idea.

“Bass,” she said, sitting down in front of him. They were in a small coffee shop near Lance’s new offices where they could talk without being bothered, at least for a while. “How did you find me?”

“By sheer luck,” Lance answered truthfully. While doing his training to go to space, he had made some friends, and one of those friends had a cousin that worked in the Bureau. From there, it had been a long road to try and locate his old PR manager. “I need to know where Joey is.”

Theresa sighed, pushing the bridge of her nose. She didn’t wear glasses, but that small gesture made Lance think that she had needed them at some point in her life. “Lance, Agent Barr is on a mission. Even if I knew where he is, I wouldn’t be authorized to tell you.”

“Would you be authorized to tell us if something happens to him?” Theresa didn’t answer, which was all the answer Lance needed. “He is our friend, Theresa, our brother. We need to talk to him, and while we all understand that is his job and all, we would like to be able to at least send him Christmas cards when he’s not in the field.”

“Lance…”

“When he was in the hospital, and you guys didn’t let us visit him, it almost killed Chris,” Lance pressed on. “He still feels guilty over what happened, you know? And JC still tells me that he should’ve known, and that he hopes that Joey understands he’s a friend of both of them. Justin is burying himself in his work, trying not to think about the fact that our friend could die, and I…”

“You spend your free time trying to locate me because it was better than doing nothing,” Theresa finished for him. Lance sighed. At least she was trying to understand.

“Yeah. I knew it was useless to try and find him,” he shook his head. “He isn’t in your protection program, is he?”

“Mr. I’ll risk my life even without a gun? No,” Theresa laughed, sadly. “The option was on the table, but he didn’t take it. I can at least tell you that.”

“It doesn’t surprise me, given the track record that the bureau has on keeping their witnesses protected,” Lance deadpanned, and Theresa snorted.

“I hope you know this wasn’t an average case, not in any way,” Theresa said after a while. “What do you really want, Lance?”

“A promise.” Lance smiled at her. He knew that deep down, she was also their friend.

“What do you mean?”

“That when Joey comes back, and *if* there are no other classified missions he decides to take on, you will help me contact him. That’s all.”

Theresa looked at him in silence for long minutes before answering. It was obvious that she was thinking about it. “Why do you want to find him?”

“I told you, he’s like our brother,” Lance said truthfully. “We don’t forget the guy who lived with us for seven years just like that.”

* * *

June 2003

JC sipped his soda quietly while he waited for his friend to join him. Now that the trial was over, they were pretty much free to visit Tony if they wanted, but they all were very careful about it. Although none of the guys ever spoke about Joey’s real job, they all seemed to be convinced that one day Joey was going to come back. When he did, they wanted him to have the option of going back to being Joey Fatone. That was why no one had ever told the media that Joey had now an Italian restaurant in Chicago; that was why Lance had a very complex story ready for the off chance that anyone asked why the owner of Tony’s looked so much like Joey, and even Chris, who was usually the one who didn’t want to talk about Joey, knew the story by heart.

And while they all had gone to eat at Tony’s, they never went together, and the only one who went more than once was JC.

“Sorry,” Tony came into the private room, taking off an apron. “I thought this wouldn’t be a busy day, but we’re packed. You want anything?”

“No, I’m fine,” JC smiled at him. It had taken him some time, but now his friendship with Tony was almost as strong as the one he had shared with Joey. It was a good thing, he figured, that Tony and Joey were much alike in personality, once you got to know them. “Did Lance fax you the July schedule?”

“Yeah, but I told him I couldn’t go with Chris.” Tony sat down, shaking his head. Since he also felt he owed Joey for all the things he had done to save his life, Tony rarely complained about *N Sync’s schedule. “You guys can count me in for everything, but I can’t go to more parties and awards with Chris.”

JC nodded. He had been expecting this for a while, since whenever Tony was around, Chris was not his usual friendly self. He was just as rude as he had been on the first meeting they had had with Tony. The one member of *N Sync who didn’t want anything to do with Tony, was Chris.

Which was a little weird since Chris had been the one who insisted that Tony had to keep pretending he was Joey, to keep Joey’s cover, even when the mission was over. According to Chris, if people saw ‘Joey Fatone’ on recent photos and shows, then no one would suspect that the guy who looked like ‘Joey Fatone’ was not the guy he was pretending to be, wherever he was now.

“Sorry about that,” JC sighed. “We thought he had got over it when we asked you to go to that radio interview with him.”

“I don’t think he’s going to get over it anytime soon, JC,” Tony said, shaking his head. “He hates me.”

“I think that’s a bit too strong, Tony. I don’t think Chris has hated anyone in his whole life. Strong dislike, maybe, but not hate.”

“He blames me for the fact that you guys aren’t together anymore.” Tony grabbed one of the unused napkins on JC’s table, unfolding it and folding it again. “Maybe if I had accepted leaving this life to go with you guys, he wouldn’t hate me as much.”

“No, that would’ve been worse,” JC sighed. The truth was that he had some idea of why Chris was so angry at Tony. JC wasn’t blind, he knew that there had been something between Chris and Joey before they all learned the truth about Joey’s life. It had to be hard on Chris, not to know where Joey was now, and seeing Tony’s face that was pretty much Joey’s face couldn’t help. Especially since Tony was about to get married, now that the trial was finally behind him. “Chris just wants Joey back.”

“Chris is not the only one,” Tony pointed out, and JC had to admit his friend was right. Even he missed Joey. And it was not because without Joey there was no *N Sync. It was because Joey was their friend, and not knowing where he was, or if he was still alive, was driving them crazy.

* * *

November 2003

Lance stopped the car in front of the address Theresa had given him and chuckled when he read the name on the window. Of all the places he expected Joey to be now, a flower shop wasn’t one of them.

He had been surprised when their former PR manager called him, a week ago, to tell him that Joey had not only returned from his mission, but retired altogether from the bureau. Lance was sure that there was a lot more to that story, but Theresa wouldn’t share the rest with him. Not because it was classified, but because it was Joey’s story to tell, if he choose to tell it.

All of that had led Lance to be in front of Won’t you be my Girlfriend?, flowers and arrangements. Sighing, he got out of the car and went inside. He wasn’t sure of what to expect, except for the fact that for the first time since they had known him, Joey was going to be able to speak freely. More or less.

The shop was not very big, Lance’s living room was bigger, but he admit that he couldn’t quite see the size of the store since it was filled to the brim with flowers. Green was the dominant color, but there were splashes of all different shades, in all possible sizes and shapes. There were roses all around, red, pink, yellow and white, in different arrangements that went from the magnificent, huge white displays that Lance was used to see in church, and small, elegant Japanese-style simple arrangements. The scents of the flowers mixed together, making the whole place welcoming, and peaceful. Lance could imagine why Joey liked to be there. What was missing in the store, however, were clients.

“I’ll be out there in a minute!” Joey’s voice came from an open door in the back of the store, and Lance smiled. It had been almost two years since he had heard Joey, and it lifted a weight from his chest to hear him *safe*. “Feel free to look around.”

“I will, thank you,” Lance answered and his smile grew bigger when he heard Joey gasp. Seconds later, Joey was coming through the door, looking surprised, but otherwise pretty much as Lance remembered him. He had let his hair grow longer, was wearing again a full beard, and he had a pair of glasses on his face that made him look a bit geeky, but otherwise it was still the same old Joey.

“Lance! What are you doing here?” he asked, smiling. “How did you find me?”

“I blackmailed Theresa,” Lance said as Joey came closer to hug him. “It’s good to see you, Joe. You’re still going by Joe, right?”

“If Theresa told you I was here, she told you I’m out of the bureau, Bass,” Joey laughed, punching his shoulder. “So yes, I’m going by Joey.”

Lance made a show of massaging his shoulder, looking around. “I’m surprised. Flower arrangements, Joey? I never figured you would like it.”

To his surprise, Joey sighed sadly. “I took some ikebana classes during my last rehabilitation, and I still have some hand coordination problems, so this is one of the few things I can do without risking a serious accident.”

Lance frowned, he had suspected that Joey had been hurt on his last mission, but he hadn’t seen any evidence of that. Joey looked fine. “What happened?”

Joey walked to the door, shaking his head, and closed it, turning the sign around from “Open” to “Closed”. “It’s a long story,” he explained. “Want something to drink while I tell you the basics?”

Joey lived in a small apartment over the store; a one bedroom apartment that looked far too empty for someone to have lived there for a month, or even a week. It looked as if Joey was only there for a quick visit. But Lance decided not to say anything as he waited for Joey to tell his story. After giving him a glass of iced tea, Joey took off his jacket, and Lance could clearly see a round scar on his right arm near the elbow. Following his eyes, Joey sighed.

“That’s where they got me that last time,” he said, as if he was saying that there were clouds in the sky. “I can’t exactly tell you who they were, or where I was, but my intel was no better than when I was with you guys. Someone messed up, they discovered us, shots were fired and while I can move my hand naturally now, I can’t put much pressure with my fingers, so, I can’t shoot anymore.”

“That’s why you left the bureau?” Lance sat on the chair Joey offered him, trying not too look shocked. He was glad Joey was out of the bureau, even though he figured it had meant a lot to his friend. After two missions in which the information given to him had caused Joey to get shot, what little regard Lance had for the FBI was gone.

“No. After that, I was assigned desk duty.” Joey actually laughed at the memories. “Things went harder then, when half of the new recruits had heard *N Sync, and some of my old partners weren’t very clear on the classified part of that mission.”

“That doesn’t sound good,” Lance agreed. He couldn’t imagine an FBI agent at an *N Sync concert, present company included. “They gave you a hard time?”

“When they weren’t asking me to sing, give them my autograph or Justin’s cell? A little,” Joey said. There was something in his tone of voice that told Lance that he wasn’t kidding. “After a month or so the chief and I talked, and given my record, my injuries, and a small incident with a contusion that left me convinced for a week that I was still on the mission with you guys, he decided to give me my early retirement.”

“And you opened a flower shop.”

“And I opened a flower shop,” Joey agreed. “Well, without the details it’s not such a long story, I guess.”

“Why didn’t you call us?” Lance asked quietly. The one thing he actually feared, now that he knew Joey was alive, was that he didn’t want to see any of them again.

“I didn’t think you guys wanted me in your lives,” Joey answered, smiling sadly. “I know you’re going to say that you’re my friends, and I do consider myself your friend, but that doesn’t change the facts. I lied to you, I used you and --”

“You saved our lives,” Lance interrupted. He was not going to have that conversation with Joey again. “That was more than enough if you wanted to make up for the lies.”

“Chris didn’t seem to think that,” Joey countered.

“Chris got over that around the time the ambulance took you to the hospital where we couldn’t visit.” Lance shook his head. Convincing Joey to go along with his plan was going to be a bit harder than expected. “He’s also the one who got Tony to cover for you, in case you wanted to come back and be Joey Fatone again.”

Joey smiled at that, but at the same time he shook his head. “Sorry, Lance, but I don’t think I could do that again. I’d like to get used to being Joey Barr again, you know?”

“Don’t.” Lance shook his head. “Joey, if you want me to leave you alone, tell me the truth. Don’t try to feed me the same lines you did two years ago.”

“Lance, I’m telling you the truth. I haven’t been myself for too long, and I’m not sure I remember how.”

“And what happens when you do?” Lance paused for a moment, debating with himself. He wasn’t sure if Joey would like what he had to say. “Will you go away again? Forget all about us?”

“You guys don’t really know me,” Joey said, not looking at Lance.

“I know that when you have to lie and haven’t had time to think of a good lie, you can’t look at people in the eye,” Lance groaned, shaking his head. “Like you’re doing now. I know that you like to read before going to sleep and you have to read at least one page, no matter how tired you are, or you won’t sleep at all. I also know that you’re an FBI agent, that Theresa thinks that you took the last two missions because you were running away from something, and frankly, I think she’s right since you seem adamant on running away again. Sure, I don’t know much about your family or your life before *N Sync, but you can’t tell me I don’t know you, so don’t even try that one.”

That made Joey look at him sharply, and for a moment Lance was afraid that he had crossed an invisible line in their relationship.

“There are a lot of things you don’t know about me,” Joey finally said. “And if you knew them, you wouldn’t want me around.”

“Try me.” Lance grabbed his friend’s hand, smiling. “I don’t know what kind of things you’ve done in the line of duty, but someone who spent seven years protecting a group of singers without once breaking his cover can’t be that bad.”

“You’re not going to give up, are you?”

“Do you really want to forget all about *N Sync?”

“Even if I tell you I do, you’re not going to believe me.” Joey closed his eyes, tiredly.

“It’s hard to believe you when your shop’s name is a direct quote of one of our songs, Joe.” Lance smiled sadly.

“I hadn’t noticed,” Joey answered, not looking at Lance. “Well, maybe I did. But, oh, fuck this. You’re right. I really don’t want to forget you guys, but that doesn’t mean I want to go back.”

“Look, I won’t ask you again to come back to *N Sync if you really don’t want to,” Lance said, knowing fully well that if he kept pressing the issue, Joey would not agree to see him again. “But don’t just throw us away from your life. We all miss you, Joe, and I’m pretty sure all of the guys would love to hang around with you again, even if it is at a flower shop.”

Joey smiled before looking down at his hands. “Maybe I am running away a little.”

“Don’t you think it’s time to stop, then?”

“I just need some time, Lance, “Joey looked straight into Lance’s eyes as he spoke. “But I promise I’ll do my best to stay in touch.”

* * *

December 2003

It’s been seven months since the Alaska fiasco, and two since I left the agency, and I am thinking that maybe I made a mistake. Sure, my job was a joke there, but at least I was doing something useful.

Helping the future Mrs. Thrum to choose the flowers for her wedding doesn’t quite rate up there with saving lives and putting scumbags behind bars.

It doesn’t even rate alongside being a worldwide sensation, even if I am never going to admit that to Lance.

This is the first Christmas in eight years I’ve spent as myself. And it is also the first Christmas I can remember when I have more than one place to be. Lance invited me to a party at his house, Tony called -and I bet he got my phone from Lance- to invite me to the annual Christmas dinner at his restaurant so I could properly meet my ‘niece’ Josephine. Lance told me that Ms. Fatone also sent word that I am perfectly welcome at their house now that their son is back. Apparently, she’s under the impression that I have no other family, and I’ve been duly informed that I’m an honorary Fatone and am welcome at any time in New York.

It feels strange to have so many places to go.

But I decided to go back to my family, since Lance was right. I’ve been running away from everything for a long time, and the first thing I had to do was to acknowledge that.

He’ll be happy to know that I’m still seeing Dr. Vicks, my psychiatrist, although no longer in an official fashion. She’s helping me to deal with all the issues I left unresolved, both during the *N Sync mission and after that.

My mom was ecstatic when she heard from me again, and then proceeded to almost nag me to death for not having called her as soon as I was free to do so. My dad didn’t say anything at first, but later asked me why I hadn’t brought my boyfriend with me.

That made me realize I wasn’t the only one who had missed the last eight years of my family’s life. They had missed every single important thing in my life too. They didn’t know that I had broken up with Jeff, much less that I took the *N Sync assignment to avoid telling Jeff I was thinking about breaking up with him, or that I had been single most of the time despite Chris’s best efforts to change that.

And I couldn’t exactly tell them what I had been doing for the last eight years.

My brother looked at me funny when I put on the Home for Christmas cd after dinner. He said he didn’t know I liked that ‘pop crap’, and with the easiness that all the years have given me, I lied and told him that one of my ex-boyfriends liked *N sync and the group had kind of grown on me.

It wasn’t exactly a lie. The group had grown on me. Much more than what I liked to admit.

What I didn’t expect was that my sister in law was a fan. She has all our albums, and JC’s and Justin’s. Her favorite, ironically, was Chris. Who would’ve known I had so much in common with my brother’s wife?

Mike had married when I was just starting the mission, so Irene didn’t know me. She spent a great deal of the night just watching me, as if she was trying to figure out something. It wasn’t until after dinner when she cornered me alone, while I was helping my mom to clean the dishes.

“You could’ve been Joey’s twin, you know?” She said, utterly amazed. “I mean, if you shaved and wore contacts, I bet no one could tell the difference.”

“You think?” I joked, even when my stomach somersaulted. While my cover was no longer necessary, the investigation was classified. I couldn’t share it with my family.

“You could be the lost Fatone brother,” She stated, taking off my glasses. “Hell, if Joey was really interested in acting, you could get a job as his stunt double.”

Vicks will be happy to know that I didn’t feel bad when she talked about the group, not even when she mentioned that the only one who seemed to be doing nothing during the hiatus was ‘Joey’. While Tony has done a couple of appearances with the others, he’s not in the public eye that much. And I can’t figure out why he’s still doing it, since I had hoped Lance would understand that I won’t be going back to that.

No. I’m lying. Lance probably will never understand that, and I know he’s not the only one.

Theresa called me the day before I left for my parents’ house and called me an idiot for not listening to Lance. She is convinced that I got the wrong career path, and ever since I retired, she has tried to make me go back to show business.

If anyone asks me, though, she’s the one who got the wrong career path. She makes one hell of a PR agent.

Vicks also seems to think that it would be a good idea to come out as Joey Fatone from *N Sync, so to speak, even when she won’t ever tell me so in those exact words. What she tells me is that no matter how much I want to deny that I was Joey Fatone from *N Sync, for better or worse, it’s something that will accompany me the rest of my life and I have to start accepting it. That I don’t even need to see it as my cover, since now it’s more like my artistic name.

But that is the problem for me. I don’t know if I want to be chained to that for the rest of my life.

* * *

February 2004

“This is just a cover, right?” Justin asked, once Joey closed the door to his apartment. He hadn’t believed Lance when Lance had told him about Joey’s flower shop, because, well, the whole concept of Joey’s flower shop didn’t sound right. But even so, he wasn’t going to let Joey’s birthday pass without trying to locate Joey, so he had gone to the address Lance had given him.

He really hadn’t expected to find Joey, though.

“No, Justin, it’s not a cover. It is really just a flower shop.” Joey hadn’t been particularly surprised to see him, so it was hard for Justin to believe that it was just a flower shop. Or maybe Lance had told Joey he was planning to come.

“But, come on, a flower shop?” He tried again, looking around at the small apartment where his friend lived. It wasn’t a bad place, and there was a nice view of the street, but it was a long shot from the house Chris was keeping in perfect shape for when Joey decided to come back. Not that Justin was going to tell Joey about that. He had promised Lance he wouldn’t. “Please, tell me you are a florist by day and a secret agent by night. That would maybe make it better.”

Joey laughed at him, which was what Justin hoped for. “More like, florist by day, and ex-secret agent by night. There’s not much excitement in my life anymore.”

“Well, we could fix that,” Justin finally sat down on Joey’s couch. “I’m thinking about doing a movie, and JC is starting to promote his album, but I’m pretty sure we both could find some time to meet up with you guys and start working for next year.”

“What?” Joey had followed him to his living room and was sitting on the opposite couch. “Justin, I’m not going back to *N Sync, didn’t Lance tell you that?”

“He might’ve mentioned it.” Justin did remember Lance telling him and JC that. However, he hadn’t paid much attention to it, just as he hadn’t really believed the story of the flower shop. “But come on, what could be better than being with us?”

Joey looked at him, shaking his head. “Justin, it’s not about being better or worse.”

“Then what it is about?”

Joey didn’t answer, which made Justin nervous. When people didn’t answer his questions it usually meant that they thought he wouldn’t like the answer. Everyone did that to him. His mom, Britney, even the guys. Joey hadn’t been the exception to the rule, although he’d been more straightforward than most people. Except for the whole secret identity thing, but Justin thought that was cool, so it was fine with him if Joey hadn’t told them.

Superman didn’t go around telling everyone he was a superhero, and in Justin’s book? Joey was pretty much like Superman since he had saved Chris’s life.

When Joey still didn’t answer after a few minutes, Justin sighed. “I won’t understand, right?”

“I think you will,” Joey finally said, smiling. “You just reminded me why I liked being with you guys so much.”

“The pay and the hot girls?” Justin raised his eyebrows, before shaking his head. “Wait, no. You and Lance weren’t in it for the hot girls.”

That made Joey laugh, lifting a big weight from Justin’s chest. If he could make Joey remember how much fun he had with them, he knew he could convince him to come back. “Not that you noticed at first.”

“I notice stuff!” Justin defended himself. “Not even Theresa knew you were gay, and she was your back-up, so you can’t blame me for not knowing it. Say, they didn’t fire you ‘cos you’re gay, right?”

“No, Justin,” Joey shook his head, still looking amused. “They don’t know that yet, since Theresa never mentioned it. She said it wasn’t important for the mission, so the subject never came up.”

“That’s cool too.” Taking a deep breath, Justin decided to go with his plan. He was sure it was less subtle than whatever Lance was planning, but Lance wasn’t there to stop him. “Tony’s been keeping his marriage secret when he poses as you, you know? Takes off his wedding band, even puts on makeup so the ring mark won’t show. So you don’t have to pretend you have a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend. Do you have a boyfriend now? Because you didn’t have one back then. That we would’ve noticed.”

“Wha- when, no.” Joey blinked, confused. “I mean, no Justin, I don’t have a boyfriend now, and it really doesn’t matter anyway. I told you, I’m not going to go back with you guys. You’re welcome here and all, but that’s about it.”

“You must think I’m an idiot,” Justin sighed. His usual method of pestering people until they gave him what he wanted wasn’t working, and he was starting to fear it would never work. That was something he hadn’t been ready to face. “Like, you were probably hating the whole group stuff back then, the dancing, the singing; everything that wasn’t your actual job. You must’ve felt like you were the world’s best paid babysitter.”

“Don’t.” Joey got up from his couch, and knelt in front of Justin. “Don’t even think that, J, because it’s not true. You were like the younger brothers I never had, and you were always my favorite. Keeping you safe was one of the things that made that whole mission worth the time.”

“I thought Chris was your favorite.” Justin pointed out, regretting his words the instant he saw Joey’s sad smile. “Sorry. I should learn to keep my mouth shut.”

“It’s complicated, Justin, just that,” Joey sighed, and got up. “How’s Chris doing, anyway?”

“Well, he’s Chris,” Justin said, as if that explained everything. “He’s been doing a little of everything. When you, well, you know, went away, he started doing some voice acting roles. He’s also said something about a new band, but if you ask me? He’s just waiting for one of us to say that the hiatus is over.”

Justin knew he wasn’t being subtle, but Joey didn’t seem to get the hint. “A new band, huh? Well, hopefully his album will be easier to find than JC’s. I haven’t been able to get a copy since it went out.”

Justin shook his head, but decided to let it go for now. He wasn’t going to convince Joey to come back at this rate, so maybe Lance was right and they needed a better plan.

* * *

March 2004

When Justin confirmed that Lance had been telling the truth, JC decided to make a visit to Joey as soon as his schedule allowed it, which was just a couple of weeks after Justin’s visit. During Joey’s absence from the group, JC had thought a lot about what had happened in their lives. He had talked with Tony, and come to terms with the fact that he had been a little unfair to Joey, and that in the few months that they had had before Joey was shot, he had never made it clear to Joey that he was really his friend.

So it was time to make amends.

He found Joey apologizing profusely into the phone, because apparently some flowers that were needed for an arrangement hadn’t been delivered. While Joey talked, JC took the time to watch the other man.

At first sight, it was hard to say that Joey had been injured. If Lance hadn’t mentioned it, JC would’ve probably not noticed that whenever Joey picked up something with the right hand, he did it carefully. He smiled all the time, even when it was obvious that the person on the other end of the line wasn’t listening, but his smiles didn’t seem as happy as his old smiles. It looked as if Joey was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, something that JC couldn’t understand.

Finally, the phone conversation ended –apparently daisies were a good replacement for whatever it was that was missing- and Joey turned to see him.

“Hey,” Joey said, holding out his left hand to greet him.

JC didn’t waste his time with a handshake, he went straight to Joey and hugged him tight.

“Just so you understand,” he said, quickly not to lose his courage or let Joey interrupt him. “You didn’t steal a friend from me, didn’t steal Tony’s life, and I don’t hate you for pretending to be him all those years. You didn’t take a friend away from me, you saved his fucking life. And if anyone won something out of all this, it was me, because I ended up with five close friends instead of just one. You’re one of those friends, Joey. Understood?”

“You’ve been practicing that,” Joey said, after a confused moment when he returned JC’s hug.

“I wrote it down so I wouldn’t forget to tell you when I saw you again.” JC smiled. “But it’s the truth, Joe. I know I acted weird with you back then, but I wasn’t really mad, I just needed time to understand what had happened.”

“You of all people had the right to feel angry,” Joey shrugged, leaning down on the counter. “When all is said and done I took the place of one of your old childhood friends and pretended to be him for seven years.”

JC lifted his hands, smiling. “Let’s not go down that road again, ok? You’re my friend too, and I had seven years to get to know you and that’s cool for me and we can leave it at that, right?”

“Right,” Joey grinned at him, while putting a small vase on the table. “Hope you don’t mind, but I have to finish this before five.”

“Go ahead, Lance told me you were quite dedicated to this.” JC leaned against the counter. The small store was empty except for the two of them, and there was nobody looking through the window.

“It helps pay the bills.”

“Not that you need it. I mean, I’m pretty sure interest has kept your account quite healthy,” JC commented, smiling when he saw Joey flinch. “Tony told me about your disagreement.”

“It’s not really a disagreement. It’s more of a standoff,” Joey answered, sighing. “I know he’s right when he says I worked hard and earned that money, but I’m not ready to take it.”

“You need time, right?” JC nodded. After talking to Lance, he had guessed that maybe their friend was having trouble accepting that at least half of what he had done with *N Sync hadn’t been pretend, it had been real, and it had mattered for more than just putting Lou Pearlman and his associates behind bars.

“Right.” Joey looked at him with a resigned sigh. “But enough about me and my issues, how have you been?”

“Alive,” JC joked. “Censored. Single.”

“I heard about that,” Joey laughed as he cut a stem from a white rose. “Although I can’t see how you escaped the ‘explicit lyrics’ stamp, not after hearing your first single.”

“No one ever suspects the former boybander,” JC deadpanned, making Joey laugh even more. Things were fine, JC guessed. But they were a long way from being right.

* * *

June 2004

“Did anyone call Chris?” JC asked, entering Lance’s new house. “I mean, actually call him and ask if he wanted to come even when we knew he wasn’t going to come?”

“I did.” Lance handed Justin a soda. “But he’s got something to do, so he couldn’t make it.”

“You mean, he’s avoiding us.” Justin shook his head. “Why bother calling him anyway? Every time we call him, he says no.”

“He doesn’t say no when we’re not planning on seeing each other,” JC said, sitting down on the couch. “If you call him to hang out, he’ll accept. But if you tell him me or Lance are going to be there, he’s got an appointment, or an interview, or a very important recording session. So he’s not really avoiding us, as much as he’s avoiding the group.”

“Who was the last one who saw him in person?” Lance asked, offering JC a second glass. “I saw him back in April, with his new band.”

“I saw him in February, after visiting Joe,” Justin sighed. “I called him last week, but I haven’t been able to see him since then.”

“After I went to Joe’s,” JC added. “And he still looks miserable, if you ask me.”

Although neither Joey nor Chris had told them anything, they all knew that one of the reasons why Joey wasn’t coming back to *N Sync was the unfinished business he had with Chris. And one of the reasons Chris had to avoid group meetings was because he was convinced that Joey would never come back, and without Joey there was no group, so any meeting involving the four of them would end up confirming once and for all that *N Sync was over. And that was why, Chris was making an art out of avoiding them all.

“They need to talk to each other,” Justin finally said, as if that solved everything. “They haven’t really talked ever since that story where the press thought that Tony was Joey and Tony’s baby was Joey’s baby. That was, what? Three years ago?”

“But to talk, they would need to be in the same place, at the same time,” JC pointed out. “And while we could convince Chris to go out somewhere with one of us, I’m not sure Joey will want to see him. He didn’t look too happy to see me at first.”

“We need a plan,” Lance looked down at his hands. “I’m pretty sure Joey is waiting for Chris to talk to him. I’ve talked to him on the phone and he always asks about Chris. If we can get Chris to his store, Joey will talk to him.”

“And how do we get Chris there? And manage to keep him there, and talking to Joe?” Justin asked, frowning. “If we’re there, they won’t talk about anything important, and if we’re not there, they won’t talk at all. That’s what they did, on our last tour.”

“That’s why we need a plan.”

* * *

August, 2004

After almost a year working as a civilian, I can say that I have almost gotten used to it. Almost, because there are still a few things that remind me of my old life, and sometimes, I’m grateful for those.

I might not have to check with a superior to do weekly reports as I used to do during my undercover days, but I still go to see Dr. Vicks once a month. It is a lot easier to talk to her now that my job is not on the line. She can’t argue that I’m unfit to do my job no matter what crazy thing I tell her, so I can tell her the truth.

For instance, she knows that it’s not that I don’t like when the guys come over to visit me -Lance has showed up more than once, same as JC. Justin only calls, whenever he has time. The truth is, I enjoy their visits most of the time. It’s just that they remind me of Chris, and I’ve tried for so long to bury my feelings for Chris that every time I see them it’s like opening that wound all over again.

It took me six months to accept out loud that yes, I do have feelings for Chris, feelings that go a lot deeper than just a passing attraction. Not that it matters since Chris probably still hates me, but Vicks thinks that admitting it, even to myself, it’s a good step on the road to facing up things and not running away any more.

Of course Lance was right about that too. It’s an annoying little habit of his, being right all the time. It’s a pity he wasn’t my intel source when I was undercover, he’d have been much more effective than the one I had.

I parked the car behind the store, thinking that maybe it was time to hire an assistant. I didn’t have a huge number of clients, but unless I actually tried to make the store bigger it would always be just a place to stay while I was waiting for the next thing. A place to hide, according to Vicks, and she was right. I had to start working on making it a place to live. That, of course, would also mean making friends in the neighborhood. After almost a year, I had ended up pegged as the ‘strange guy in the flower shop’ since I never talked to anyone for more than the necessary time to buy a paper, get change for the Laundromat, or ask for the bus schedule. My longest conversation with someone who was not a client so far had been with the Starbucks barista, and that had consisted of asking for a Iced Chai Latte twice because he had mixed up my order.

Vicks had had a lot to say about that too.

“Your sign says you open at two, and it’s two thirty. You had us worried.”

I turned around at the sound of Justin’s voice. I didn’t expect him, much less accompanied by Lance and JC. They were all standing next to Justin’s car, parked in front of my store.

“I ran into a little traffic,” I answered, smiling. “What are you guys doing here?”

“Changing tactics.” Lance was grinning, which made me a little nervous. Experience had taught me that when Lance was smug, he had a secret agenda. “We need to ask you something.”

“Lance, I already gave you my answer, I am not changing my mind,” I said, closing my eyes. I didn’t want to argue with my friends right after the session where I had told my shrink why I didn’t want to see my friends.

“What if I asked nicely?”

At the sound of that familiar voice I opened my eyes quickly and raised my head so fast that I almost gave myself whiplash. Standing there, between JC and Justin -apparently I hadn’t seen him because he had been behind them all this time- was Chris. He didn’t look particularly happy to be here, but he didn’t look exactly mad either. He had gained a bit of weight, like he always did when we were not touring, and had finally decided to let his hair grow normally again instead of the Mohawk he had been sporting for most of the last year, not that I had been paying attention to that, of course. He was wearing his glasses, so I couldn’t really read his eyes. I had some problems believing he was there.

But he was there, and I couldn’t just turn him away, not after all the time I had spent thinking about him. Before I could stop to think, I had invited them all to my apartment, but suddenly Justin ‘remembered’ something he had to do, and since they had come in JC’s car, JC had to give him a ride, and Lance needed to talk to JC, so in the end Chris and I were alone in my kitchen.

It was the first time we had been together since the shooting, and I prayed silently that time hadn’t destroyed all my chances to at least fix my friendship with him.

* * *

“This wasn’t my idea,” Chris said, right after Joey closed the door. “I didn’t want to ambush you like this. I didn’t even know we were coming.”

“It’s ok, Chris, you guys just surprised me,” Joey sighed, and that sounded a bit like accepting defeat to Chris’s ears. “I realized that it wasn’t your idea after the obvious show of leaving us alone. Justin still has no idea what it means to be subtle.”

“If it helps any, Lance and JC looked as surprised as we were.”

“That’ll teach Lance not to trust Justin to follow one of his plans.” Joey shook his head, smiling. “Can I offer you something to drink? Got water, lemonade, I’m pretty sure there was still some iced tea…”

“Water is fine.”

They watched each other in silence for a long time, neither really sure what to tell the other. Chris sipped his water, gathering courage. While he had been absolutely against the idea of visiting Joey, had even made a show of not knowing where Joey lived now, he had been dying to see him, to see that he was alive, and safe, and healthy. Now that he was within reach, Chris found himself wondering why he had waited two years to try and find his friend.

His feelings hadn’t changed in two years. He still carried a big torch for the older man.

“They didn’t let us visit you in the hospital after the shooting,” Chris finally said. “We wanted to, but Theresa told us we couldn’t, no matter how much we insisted. We were lucky she told us you were still alive.”

“I figured as much, don’t worry about that,” Joey answered, looking down at his hands. “They took a while before telling me you were unharmed, so it doesn’t really surprise me that they wouldn’t tell you about me. Although, I also thought that you wouldn’t want to see me ever again.”

Chris nodded, unsure of how to go on. “I thought you wouldn’t want to see me after our last conversation.”

“Chris, you didn’t say anything that would make me not want to see you.” Joey shook his head, sadly. “I won’t claim that I remember exactly what we said, but I think that before we were interrupted, I was the one who was apologizing.”

“But I never told you why I stopped talking to you when we found out about your job.” Chris looked at his hands. Before Lance came up to his house with the very flimsy excuse of needing moral support to get a new tattoo, Chris had promised himself that if he ever saw Joey again, he would be sincere. He would put all his cards on the table, and if Joey didn’t shoot him, he would consider himself lucky.

“Chris, it’s ok. I understand.” Joey raised his hand, but Chris shook his head. He was going to tell him everything.

“I don’t know you,” Chris said, slowly, his eyes fixed on the frayed end of the carpet of the living room. “I know the guy you pretended to be, the kid who was working in Universal while waiting for a chance as an actor, and became Lance’s best friend when we weren’t really sure if he would work for the group. But I don’t know how much of that guy was real, and how much was just what you had to do to keep your cover.”

“Chris,” Joey tried again, but Chris kept on as if he hadn’t heard.

“That was what was eating me at first, you know? You knew I wanted you, I think the only one who didn’t know was Theresa, and sometimes I doubt that. And maybe, just maybe, it was getting to be a little too serious for me, you know? That’s why I got so mad at you for the baby story,” Chris looked at Joey, who nodded. They both remembered that particular discussion, when their world had crumbled away. “And later, when we knew, I figured out that I had been an idiot. Because I was making a fool of myself trying to seduce a straight older man.”

“I never said I was straight,” Joey pointed out. When Chris looked up at him, Joey smiled. “Tony is straight, but I am gay, and I have always been. That was the truth. And, trust me, we might never have gone farther than kissing, but not one of the straight agents I know would’ve done that just for the sake of a mission.”

“So I wasn’t making a fool of myself?” Chris let himself hope. He was aware that hoping at this point was a bad idea. It wasn’t as though they had had the fight just a week ago. Two years had gone by. As far as he knew, Joey could have a boyfriend now.

“Not really.” Joey smiled weakly. “And you could cut the ‘older man’ thing. I’m barely a few months older than you. You don’t call Kevin Richardson an ‘older man’.”

“I do.” Chris grinned. “To his face, even.”

At that, they both laughed. It felt weird, Chris mused, to be able to relax with Joey like that again, after so long. Things weren’t mended yet, but it was a step in the right direction.

“You’re right, though,” Joey finally said, once that they calmed down. The mood wasn’t so tense anymore, but there were still the ghosts of conversations that they hadn’t had, hanging around them. “You don’t exactly know the real me. You just know part of me.”

“I didn’t give you a great chance to let me know the real you.” Chris shrugged. It was the truth. He had been in love with the face Joey put on for the group, so he hadn’t even wanted to consider knowing the real Joey.

“We’re quite the pair, ain’t we?” Joey had again that sad smile that made Chris’s heart lurch. Now he remembered where he had seen it before. It was the smile that Joey always gave him when he told him they couldn’t be together. It was a *real* Joey smile. He wanted to kiss that smile away, but he knew it was a bad idea.

“You got issues, I got issues. At least we’ve got something in common besides the singing and dancing,” Chris said, walking closer to Joey. “Look, I know we can’t go back to what we had. I don’t want to go back to what we had, with the lies and the omissions, but, maybe, we could try something new?”

Joey looked at him, absolutely serious for a change. “You don’t even know if you’ll like the real me.”

“I could get to know you,” Chris offered. He still was hurt, he still thought that he was being an idiot for pining after a ghost for so many years, but the sight of that smile had reminded him of the one thing he had never wanted to lose. Joey’s friendship. If anything, he was going to fight to get that back. “With time.”

Joey smiled, a full smile this time. “This is not the part where you ask me to go back to the group, is it?”

“Would it be so bad, coming back?” Chris asked. He knew Lance, JC and Justin had asked Joey to come back, although he was sure they hadn’t mentioned why. But before asking, he had to know what Joey felt.

“I don’t know, Chris,” Joey answered. “I told you, I’ve got issues. And some of them come from the fact that the closest friends I ever had, thought I was someone else when they became my friends. The person you guys want in the group is not really me, and we all know that.”

“Uh, no.” Chris shook his head, surprised. He had spend the best part of two years convinced that Joey wouldn’t want anything to do with them, and it seemed that Joey thought the same thing. “You know we’re on hiatus now, right? That’s not because we can’t try to be the four man act, it’s because *N Sync is not *N Sync without you. Hell, that’s why you’ve been absent from all the Challenges these two years. While we could ask Tony to come in your place, we didn’t want to. If it’s a group thing, it seems wrong to have someone who is not you.”

“Like in the Pop video?” Joey asked, but he didn’t sound angry. He sounded amused. “Because then it was easy to replace me.”

“That’s different and you know it.” Chris shook his head. “Besides, you were there too. Wade only danced and that’s because you and Theresa were adamant about the schedule.”

“Yeah, I know,” Joey sighed, lowering his head. “Still, I’m not ready, Chris. You do understand that, don’t you?”

“Sure. Take your time.” Chris smiled, putting his hand over Joey’s. “We’ll be waiting for you. Even if Justin gets impatient, I figure I can sit on him to make him wait.”

“I need time for more than just the group, Chris,” Joey said, but he tightened his grip on Chris’s hand for a second. “I don’t know if you’ve talked to Lance, but I had made a sport out of avoiding people. It’s hard to stop doing it.”

“I’ll give you time for that too.” Chris smiled. He was confident that things could work out right, with some hard work and effort. All his life he had done that, worked for things that were worth it. Joey’s friendship was worth it, and if something else came with it, it would worth even more. He just had to be patient. “Just remember, it’s not only the guys who will be waiting. I’ll be waiting too.”


	7. M.I.S.S.I.O.N. Start

October, 2004

“Just remember, it’s not only the guys who will be waiting. I’ll be waiting too.”

Chris had been true to his word. After leaving Joey’s house that afternoon, he talked to the guys and they promised they would give Joey more time to think things through. While an occasional visit wasn’t absolutely forbidden, they would call first to ask if it was ok to go and see him, and there was not going to be any comment about the possible reunion of the group. If they absolutely needed a Joey for something, Tony could very well fill the place for a day, seeing that Joey being Joey had kept Tony alive for seven years.

Chris figured one day he was going to go to Tony’s restaurant and apologize for his rude manners. Not yet, but soon. Like Joey, he also had issues.

It was hard for Chris, but he hadn’t called Joey in two months. Unlike the others, who only need to give Joey time from the group thing, he had to respect Joey’s wishes and give him time from the them thing.

Which was why the flowers had come as a surprise.

The first bouquet arrived in the second week of September, delivered by a UPS messenger who looked like if he wanted to be anywhere but in Florida. It was just a dozen white roses and a small card, written in Joey’s handwriting.

‘Thanks’, the card read, without any signature. Chris smiled and put the roses in three different vases, giving one to his mom the next time he went to visit her.

Second week of October, just past his birthday, the same UPS messenger came up to his house, with a new bouquet, this time pink roses. The card, still unsigned but recognizable as Joey’s handwriting, read ‘Happy Birthday. P.S.- You’ll always be the oldest one for the fans, you know?’

Chris smiled, and this time the bouquet went into a single vase.

But he still didn’t give in to the temptation to call Joey. Unless Joey called him first, or specifically asked him to call, Chris was going to give him time, no matter how hard it was.

* * *  
August, 2005

“I’m just saying it feels weird to have a group meeting without Joey, that’s all,” Justin said, entering the meeting room at the Jive’s office building. “I mean, Johnny knows that we’re on hiatus, right?”

“He knows, and he wouldn’t have called if it wasn’t important.” Lance followed him in, writing a few changes in his new palm. In the last few years he had become somewhat addicted to gadgets and the internet, so it had become normal to see him with the latest shiny toy in his hand.

“I don’t know about that,” JC grumbled, behind them. “I got a memo last week about some collection of our singles. One would suppose that they would’ve called us before producing that.”

“We won’t take long,” Chris told them, sitting down. “Whatever they want, we tell them the same thing we’ve told them for the last four years. We’re still considering our next move, we need time, Joey is looking for himself in Tibet.”

“I sincerely hope Mr. Fatone is not in Tibet.” A young man in a suit entered the room, carrying a file in his hands. “And if he is, we need to get him back, fast.”

“Who are you?” Lance frowned. When Johnny’s secretary had called them for a meeting, he had expected to be meeting Johnny, not someone else.

“I’m Adam Daniels, and I am your new manager, Mr. Bass,” the man said, offering Lance his hand. “There have been a few changes here at Zomba, and Mr. Wright put your account in my hands. I thought that the best way to start was having a general meeting although I’m having some troubles locating Mr. Fatone. There’s no contact number for him in the company directory.”

“Joey has chosen to stay as far as he can from the public eye for now,” Chris said, crossing his arms. “Johnny knows that. He also knows that we’re on hiatus, we’re not doing anything as a group, and we don’t know when we’ll go back to being a group.” The ‘if’ went unspoken, but they all knew it was there. It all rested on Joey, but they were going to respect his wishes.

“Ah, I’m afraid it’s not that simple, Mr. Kirkpatrick,” Adam answered, opening the file as he was walking to the other end of the table. He pulled out five sets of copies and handed them out. “That’s a copy of your contract, since I was sure you wouldn’t bring yours. As it states, Jive/Zomba is under obligation to produce five albums for you, and it has only produced two. And since the original payment for royalties was done with those five albums in mind, Jive has already paid for three un-produced albums.”

“No Strings Attached alone produced far more money than what Jive originally hoped for,” Lance pointed out. “You can’t seriously be suggesting that we’ve taken money from the company.”

“I am not suggesting that, Mr. Bass, but your contract is very clear.” The man grinned. It was not a friendly grin. “And since you’ve been out of the public eye for the last three years, it’s necessary to do some promotion for the group, starting with the Greatest Hits compilation while you start working on the new album.”

“Does the Greatest Hits count as a third album?” JC asked, frowning as he read the contract. “Because if it does, then we should have more say in what goes on it.”

“It counts, Mr. Chasez, however, there’s not much time to change what’s already been decided.” Adam seemed glad to see that at least one of them was cooperating. “Since we’re very interested in putting it out this October, just in time for some interviews before the Christmas season.”

“Hold up.” Chris raised his hand. “Interviews? Individual interviews?”

“No, Mr. Kirkpatrick.” Adam turned his attention to Chris. His politeness was starting to unnerve them. “With the whole group, of course. Given that we haven’t been able to find Mr. Fatone, I only scheduled one for sure, on the Ellen Degeneres Show for October, but as soon as he’s on board with us, we can schedule a couple more.”

* * *

Two hours later, the annoyingly polite Adam left the room, so they could talk in private.

“Is there something we can do?” Chris was the first to speak. He addressed Lance, mostly out of habit, because he knew that it was possible that Lance had the answer. Lance had memorized legal books after leaving Transcon, or that was how it seemed. “I don’t remember being forced to stay in the group as part of our contract.”

“I’m not sure, but until we figure this out with a new lawyer, we haven’t got many choices,” Lance sighed, re-reading the contract. “We could try talking to Johnny directly, I guess.”

“Good luck with that.” JC shook his head. “Since he’s managing Justin and the Backstreet Boys, he can claim conflict of interests and not listen to us.”

“Joey is not going to like this.” Chris leaned on the recliner of his chair. “Maybe he has contacts who can help us out.”

“Let’s leave that as a last option.” Lance grimaced. “Let’s try and talk to our lawyers. In any case, as long as it’s only promotion, we can ask Tony to help. We can stall a new album for at least another year if we put our minds to it and either Justin or JC puts out their second album at the same time.”

* * *

September 2005

Lance found Chris sitting on the porch of his house, looking worried. They had been in constant contact for the past three weeks, unable to find a loophole in the Jive contract. Obviously, they had been incredibly optimistic when they had signed it.

“I have bad news,” Lance said, sitting down next to his friend. “Tony is not going to be available in October.”

“Why not?” Chris didn’t turn to look at him, but kept his eyes fixed on the entrance to the house.

“His wife’s due date is the second week of October. It would be unfair to ask him to miss the birth of his second child,” Lance explained. “We need Joey.”

“I’m a bit worried about that,” Chris confessed, finally turning to Lance. “When was the last time you talked to him?”

“A week or so before Challenge I called him.” Lance remembered the conversation quite clearly. It had been hard not to ask Joey to join them that year. “Why?”

“Did I tell you he had been sending me flowers? One bouquet every month,” Chris said as if that was an answer.

“You hadn’t mentioned that, no.”

“I got a letter with the August’s bouquet, right after the meeting,” Chris continued, still concentrating on the entrance. “But September’s bouquet is late. Joey hadn’t missed one month, ever. I got a bad feeling about that.”

“Can you tell me what the letter said?” Lance asked, sitting down.

“Mostly personal stuff,” Chris said, closing his eyes. Lance thought that Chris might be trying to keep himself from crying. “I can’t tell you exactly what but… I’m afraid that he might disappear again.”

“Let me call JC,” Lance said and pulled out his cell phone, trying to ignore the small worry on the back of his mind.

* * *

October 3rd, 2005.

Won’t you be my girlfriend? wasn’t closed when Chris finally drove to Joey’s flower shop after a long talk with JC and Justin that pretty much ended with the realization that none of them had heard anything from Joey since the first week of August, a week before the meeting with Mr. Politeness.

However, Chris’s relief was short lived when he found out that the store had a new management, since it had been sold by Mr. Barr a month ago. The store, the apartment upstairs, everything. And Mr. Barr hadn’t left a contact address so it was impossible to know where he was now. The new owner, a very nice woman who reminded Chris of his own mother, told Chris that Mr. Barr had said something about going back to his roots, which didn’t help Chris feel better.

Once in his car, he called Lance.

“We might need to find Theresa,” he said, after explaining what had happened. “Maybe Joe decided to try desk duty again.”

Chris didn’t want to believe it, but he had to admit that it was possible.

“Maybe he went to his family?” Lance offered.

“Do we know where his family lives?” Chris responded. He was starting to feel as if he had been hitting a wall with his head for the last hour.

“Theresa might know, but I don’t know if we’ll be able to find her.”

“Lance, please tell me you have a better idea than calling the local FBI office and asking for agent Rourke,” Chris begged. He knew that Lance was busy trying to find any loophole in the contract they had with Jive, but he was getting to the end of his rope. He had to find Joey, and had no idea of how to do it.

“Sorry, Chris, that’s more or less my plan.”

* * *

October 5th, 2005

Theresa Rourke had been unavailable when Chris tried to contact her, and all attempts to find her met with the same answer. It wasn’t until a fifth call that a man called John Langes agreed to meet Chris, since he was the one in charge of Theresa’s old cases.

To his surprise, Chris recognized him immediately.

“Hey, you’re Joey’s friend! The one who came over a couple of times back when we were in Transcon!” he exclaimed, as soon as Agent Langes welcomed him into his office. “So you were part of it too?”

“I was Joe’s contact before Theresa, yes,” Agent Langes nodded. “And one of the few who knows what you know, so what can I do for you, Mr. Kirkpatrick?”

“We can’t find Joey,” Chris said, sighing. “He sold his store, and we urgently need to find him. We thought that maybe he had come back to work here?”

Agent Langes frowned, looking at him for a long minute before answering. “Joseph hasn’t come back to the service, and I pretty much doubt he will. We all made his return after the work he did with you very difficult, so when retirement became a real option, I’m not surprised he took it.”

“He never mentioned that.”

“Joe has always been good at not mentioning what bothers him.” Langes nodded, sadly. “Look, I know how much he cared about you guys, I was the one who got to hear him talking about the mission back then, so let me check with Personnel. If we know where he is, and it’s not classified, I’ll give you the information.”

* * *

October 8th, 2005

Chris was on his way to Brooklyn, thanking his lucky stars that Joey’s parents’ address was not classified, when his cell phone rang. Almost without thinking, he answered it immediately.

“Yeah?” he asked, at the same time he tried to think what he was going to say to Joey’s parents. He didn’t know Joey’s parents, and they probably didn’t know that Joey had been a part of *N Sync. That was going to be difficult.

“Chris? I got news for you.” Lance sounded happy, which was good news as far as Chris was concerned. A happy Lance meant something was going to go right for a change for them. “I talked to Tony.”

“The baby is not due next week?” Chris asked, hopeful. While he wanted to find Joey, if Tony could double for the interview things would be a lot easier since time was becoming really short.

“No, we’re still on our own there,” Lance answered. “Joey took the money.”

“Joey took the money,” Chris repeated, surprised. “Wait. The money? His *N Sync money? That’s not good, Lance! With that much money in his hands, he could be anywhere!”

“But he took it, Chris,” Lance insisted. “After three years, he took it.”

Chris nodded, even though Lance couldn’t see him. He understood why it was something big for Lance. Tony had told them that Joey said he didn’t deserve that money, Lance had the theory that Joey wasn’t taking it because that would’ve make his time with *N Sync something real, and not just something he did for his other job. If Joey had accepted it, it was a good sign. Of some sort.

If they could find him.

“I got an address for his parents,” Chris said, trying not to hope. “In Brooklyn.”

“He’s not back at the Bureau?”

“Not that they know, oh, and Lance? Theresa is not going to be able to answer our calls. If we need anything, we have to ask for John Langes,” Chris sighed. “How’s the contract thing going?”

“I think I found the loophole we need,” Lance told him. “I’m having a meeting with Adam tomorrow. Want to come?”

“Only if I haven’t found Joey,” Chris answered. That was his main priority, even if Lance managed to get them out of the contract problem. “See you later.”

* * *

It was around midday when Chris found the house where Joey’s real parents lived. It took him half an hour to gather his courage to go and ring the doorbell, and one fleeting panic moment in which he considered running away before the door opened and he found himself facing a fifty something year old woman who had to be Joey’s mom.

She had the same warm eyes.

“Can I help you?” she asked, smiling at him.

“I hope so, ma’am,” Chris answered her smile. “I’m an old friend of Joseph’s and I was trying to get in contact with him again, I don’t know if you have seen him lately?”

The smile became a little colder, and Chris almost kicked himself. Obviously, Joey’s parents would know about his *first* job, even if they didn’t know about the second. Obviously they wouldn’t react kindly to a random stranger asking for their son.

“Who is it, Marge?” An older man came behind the woman, and Chris bit his lip. If he wasn’t sure about Mrs. Barr, there was no doubt about Mr. Barr. The man had to be Joey’s father, because he looked just like his friend, only older, and a lot heavier.

“He says he’s a friend of Joseph’s.” Mrs. Barr told the other man. “He’s looking for him.”

“Where did you meet our son?” Mr. Barr asked, looking at Chris with suspicion. Chris sighed inwardly. It was going to be hard to explain the situation without blurting something that shouldn’t be said, like the fact that Joey had been a part of *N Sync for years. If Joey hadn’t told his parents that, Chris wasn’t going to be the one who let the cat out of the bag.

“Your son saved my life a couple of years ago,” Chris finally settled on saying. “And my friends’ lives while he was at it.”

Mr. Barr seemed to study him for a moment, and Chris forced himself to stay still. He felt like a teenager again, facing his girlfriend’s parents.

At that mental image, he had to bite his lips not to laugh.

“You know what our son does, do you?” Mr. Barr asked, after a long silence.

“He had a flower shop until two months ago,” Chris answered, smiling. “I met him way before that, and yes, I know what he did back then.”

“Steven?” Mrs. Barr looked at her husband, who nodded. “Come on in, young man. We can talk in the living room a lot better than out on the street.”

Chris followed them inside, although he had the feeling that Joey wasn’t there. Still, he had got to meet Joey’s parents and that had to count for something. The Barrs seemed like a good couple. They had to be, to have raised Joe.

* * *

Chris ended up having dinner with the Barr family, who seemed to understand that he couldn’t go into much detail of what Joe had been doing when he met Chris. Unfortunately, they hadn’t heard from Joey in a while either, although Mr. Barr told Chris that it was very common for Joey to do that. After all, he had disappeared for seven years once. They were used to it, and as long as they didn’t receive a phone call in the middle of the night, they tried not to worry.

Chris couldn’t help but feel a little guilty since he knew where Joey was during those seven years.

After dinner, Marge gave him the address of Joseph’s older brother, telling him that maybe Michael would know where Joey was since they were very close. Chris also ended up with an open invitation to come over whenever he wanted to because ‘any friend of Joseph is welcome here’.

Michael Barr didn’t live very far from his parents, so Chris decided to give one last try before going back to find a hotel. He didn’t have to leave New York, since they only had four more days before the interview.

If he couldn’t find Joey, they were screwed.

Michael and his wife had a nice second-floor apartment on a small, homely building with red bricks that looked straight out of a movie, and since Marge had called them, they were ready to receive Chris, who was thankful to skip the awkward half-explanations of how he met Joey. Michael’s wife, Irene, recognized him immediately, which made it harder for him to explain why he needed to find Joe.

Half way during the conversation, the phone rang and Irene went to answer it, leaving Michael and Chris alone in the living room.

“My brother was in your group, right?” he asked, once he was sure his wife wasn’t listening in.

“I, ah, can’t tell you that.” Chris lowered his head. He didn’t know how much he could tell Michael about Joey’s work, and it was making him feel uncomfortable.

“It’s ok. I figured it out, with your old manager getting twenty years for murder and fraud,” Michael said. “Irene still thinks her brother in law just looks like Joey Fatone, but it was him, right?”

Chris nodded, not sure of how to go on.

“I’m guessing that the fact that you want to find my brother has to do with the interview that has her all excited,” Michael continued. “Sorry I can’t help you with that. Joe is very good at disappearing when he wants to.”

“So you haven’t heard from him?” Chris sighed. He was starting to lose hope.

“He called me a month ago,” Michael smiled. “He told me that he needed to put some business in place, and that we didn’t need to worry about him, that he would be back for Christmas with some friends, but that’s all.”

“He didn’t happen to leave you a phone number to contact him, did he?” Chris asked, not really hopeful. At least he knew that Joey was planning to come back. That was something good.

“Sorry, no. But if he calls again I’ll tell him you’re looking for him.”

 

* * *

Chris went back to his hotel, feeling conflicted. Part of him was happy, he had got to know Joey’s family; the other part was very frustrated because he hadn’t a clue of where to find Joey.

He lay down on his bed, opening the letter that had come with the last bouquet from Joey. Chris had read it a couple dozen times already, trying to find a reason for Joey’s disappearance. So far, he had come with a couple of theories, but none of them painted an optimistic future.

“Dear Chris,” the letter read. “I don’t really know if you’re going to read this, but Vicks says that it’s a good therapy to write it, so I’ll do it. I just don’t know if I’ll send it. If you’re reading this, well, obviously, I did.

“There are a couple of things I should’ve told you last time we talked, and I couldn’t. I didn’t tell you that the reason I got the mission with you guys was because I was the only one who looked like Tony, and because I always took those missions. The ones that would get me away from home, away from everything. The time I spent with all of you was the longest I spent using the same name since I joined the Bureau, and while at first I was scared that you would discover me because it was important for the mission that you didn’t, at the end I was scared for other reasons.

"I was scared that you would hate me if you found out.

“Not that I blame you for being angry. I would’ve done the same thing if I had been in your place.

“Now that I have been living as myself, I’ve come to terms with a lot of things I’ve done in the past. I can’t put them in writing, but maybe one day I’ll tell you about them. Mostly, I’ve come to terms with the fact that what I did with you was not just a job. I enjoyed it, it was part of my life, and it was always real.

“It’s time for me to move on. I might have taken a long time to realize that, but I’m ready now. ”

Chris didn’t kept reading after that line. There was nothing more than Joey signing goodbye.

The first time Chris had read the letter, he had thought that Joey meant that he was ready to ac go with them. After the first week of September, Chris had come to believe that maybe it meant that Joey was ready to keep on with his life; away from the group but accepting that he had been part of it, an important part.

Now, however, he was starting to fear the letter was a good bye.

* * *

The day of the interview arrived, and two things were made obvious to Chris as he went down to the lobby of the hotel to meet up with Lance.

First, he had used all the options he had to find Joey, with no signs of his friend at all. Second, there was no way to get out of the interview without being sued for breaching their contract.

Lance had spent many hours arguing with Adam about that.

“But they can’t force us to record a new album,” Lance told him, while they waited for JC and Justin. “We’re the ones who decide when to record, so we can start tomorrow or in ten years if we want. So, that’s at least something.”

“Can we stop them from booking other interviews like this one, with all of us, when we’re not all together?” Chris asked, frowning. “Because, you know, I think Tony has finally had it with helping us. This time it’s the baby, and I understand him completely, but I don’t know if he’ll be available next time.”

“The only way for them to stop doing that would be if we gave them a very good reason,” Lance told him, and that pretty much ended the conversation right there. Chris knew what Lance meant. The only way people would stop asking questions about *N Sync was if they came out and said what Chris didn’t want to say.

JC and Justin arrived together, and Justin ran to hug Chris in the moment he saw him on the lobby.

“Did you find him?” He whispered into Chris’s hear, so no one else would listen. Chris sadly shook his head. “Damn.”

“We can’t talk here,” Lance said, his eyes briefly darting behind JC, where Adam was hurriedly talking into his cell. “But we need to talk.”

“We might get some minutes alone after make-up,” JC answered. “I don’t think we’ll get more because Adam will want to go over what we can say and what we can’t.”

Just at that moment, Adam hung up his phone and walked towards them, smiling brightly.

“Got excellent news, guys,” he announced. “Joey called our offices this morning. Why didn’t you told me he was getting ready for a new role?”

They blinked. Chris didn’t really hear the last part of the question. His mind was stuck on ‘Joey called’.

“He wanted it to be a surprise,” Lance managed to say. “So, what did he say?”

“Well, I didn’t talk to him, but Johnny told me that they instructed him to come here immediately. He’s supposed to meet up with us at the studio,” Adam explained. “So, let’s go. I don’t want to repeat everything so we’ll wait until we’re there to go through the guidelines you have to follow.”

On the way to the set, they couldn’t hide their excitement. Even when they talked about what had been going on with their lives in the past months, Justin and JC’s new songs, Justin’s latest run with the paparazzi, JC’s incredibly bad luck with girlfriends and Lance’s apparent singleness, almost all the conversation circled around the thing they couldn’t talk about openly. Joey was coming back, Joey was waiting for them at the studio. Joey was back.

But since talking about it could clue Adam to the fact that they had expected Joey not to come back, they couldn’t actually touch the subject.

It was a tense ride.

* * *

 

Joey wasn’t waiting for them at the studio. He hadn’t called the studio or Jive all day.

Chris bit his lips. He had wanted to believe that Joey was going to be there, smiling and joking as if the last three years hadn’t really happened. He had wanted to believe that he would see his friend again. But at the same time, not seeing Joey was not a surprise.

Joey could’ve easily changed his mind in the few hours between his call to Jive and the time it took to fly to New York.

He could’ve been called back to his other job.

Adam was frantic. If Chris hadn’t been so worried about Joey, he would’ve found it funny. He didn’t like their new PR.

“Where the fuck is he?!” Adam was yelling to his cell phone. “He must have his phone on!, yeah, So we know that he got on the plane, but not if he arrived? How can that be possible? I don’t care if you’re doing your best, I want results! What do you mean the security we arranged for him didn’t see him get down? You mean we have a member of one of our biggest bands, with fans all over the country and the star witness of one of the biggest fraud trials, walking around New York without a single bodyguard?!”

Chris closed his fists, trying not to listen to Adam’s conversation, keeping his face still as the make up girl finished with him.

Chris knew that Joey could take care of himself. For Joey, their bodyguards had been backup, rather than actual bodyguards. But Adam’s words had made one of Chris’s old fears reappear. Something could’ve happened to Joey.

Chris tried not to remember the hitman who had shot them four years ago. That time, Joey had been armed, but as far as Chris knew, Joey didn’t carry a gun anymore. If someone went after Joey, Joey could be hurt again.

“Do you think Joey is really coming?” Justin asked when the make up people finally left them to have a few minutes of privacy before going out in front of the cameras.

“Adam says he is coming,” Lance answered. “And I’m pretty sure that if Joey changed his mind, he would’ve called.”

Justin nodded, half convinced.

“Unless he thought this was too much,” JC sighed sadly, straightening an invisible crease on his white trousers. “We all know Joey doesn’t like to be pressured, and that he knows how to disappear when he wants to.”

Chris kept biting his lower lip, hard enough to hurt but not enough to draw blood. He didn’t trust himself to speak, so he kept his eyes glued to the wall clock.

They had less than five minutes, and there was no sign of Joey.

“So this is it, isn’t it?” Justin looked at them with the same expression he had had years before, when they were deciding to leave Transcon. “We’ve run out of options.”

“We could still use the excuse that Joey is on a trip,” JC whispered. Adam was on the door of the dressing room, getting ready to usher them to the stage. “You know, Tony could help us out next time.”

“Tony has a right to his own life, C.” Lance shook his head. “We always knew this day was coming, so, let’s be truthful with our fans. *N Sync is over, for now.”

“If Joey comes back, we can always reunite again or something, like the Backstreet Boys did,” Justin sighed. It was obvious that none of them had wanted to do what they were going to do.

“Whatever we do, let’s not put the blame on Joey,” Chris finally said, slowly. He was blinking hard, to avoid tears in his eyes. “It was a joint decision. Hell, if you want, blame me. But we’re not blaming Joey.”

“No one gets the blame,” Justin said, firmly. “There’s no blame. We decided it as a group, and that’s it.”

They nodded, waiting for Adam to give them the signal to come in.

The interview started pretty much as all the interviews they had given over the years. The audience was a bit different, a little older than they were used to, but many were wearing old *N Sync t-shirts, and held signs with their names on. All their names, which made Chris’s heart lurch a little. They cheered and clapped as they went into the stage and Ellen greeted them, congratulating them for the release of the Greatest Hits album, which they didn’t particularly like, but couldn’t say so on the air. Justin got a couple of questions about his album, so did JC, and Chris was caught by surprise when Ellen asked him about his new band. Since he hadn’t really made a big deal out of it, he was silent for a moment before actually answering. Curiously, they didn’t need to excuse Joey’s absence. Ellen never asked about him.

It was Lance who said that they had an announcement to make. It was better that way, Chris knew, because Lance was the one who always managed to make things sound like a good idea, no matter how bad they actually were. Chris didn’t trust his voice, he was trying to keep his face serious.

“Well, before you give us the news, Lance,” Ellen smiled at them, listening to her floor manager for a moment. “There’s a last minute guest here.”

“Last minute guest?” JC asked, looking confused. He wasn’t the only one. Chris, for his part, was busy telling his heart to stop hoping. With their luck, it would be the Backstreet Boys.

“More like, a very late guest.” There was no mistaking the voice, and Chris turned around fast to see the man standing on the edge of the stage at the same time that the screams from the audience grew in volume. Joey was there, their Joey, short hair again, his beard sporting some red streaks. He was wearing a black t-shirt that read ‘I’ve gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, keep me here’ and black jeans. He was also carrying a big bouquet of red flowers. “I got caught in traffic, and then at the entrance, a fan gave me this for us. My cell phone died on the flight here, so I couldn’t call you guys to tell you I was late.”

Chris stayed rooted on his chair, blinking. He was about to ask if he had hit his head and was suffering from a mild contusion, or maybe a hallucination, when Justin finally reacted, shot up from his chair and hugged Joey tightly. That seemed to break the confusion of the others, who followed Justin’s example –Chris could see JC hitting Joey on the shoulder, although he doubted the cameras had caught that. Chris only stood up, not willing to move because he was afraid it was all going to disappear on him. He waited until the guys let Joey move and walk to where Chris was.

“Hey, man,” Joey smiled, putting the bouquet of flowers next to Chris. “Sorry if I worried you.”

“Jerk.” Chris smiled too, and then he hugged Joey. He wasn’t going to cry, not in front of the cameras, not when no one knew that this was the first time he had seen Joey in almost a year.

He would have stayed there, hugging his old friend, if it wasn’t for Ellen, who chose that moment to bring the interview back on track.

“Now, Lance, with you five together, what is the announcement you wanted to make?” she asked, as Joey let Chris go. His eyes were shining, and Chris knew right then that his friend was also trying not to cry.

Lance blinked for a moment, turning to see Joey and Chris. Joey nodded, which was barely noticeable unless you were, like Chris, standing next to him. Chris wondered then if he should have joined the group hug because he was sure he was missing something.

“Well, you actually beat us to it,” Lance said, smiling. “Now that Joey’s back, and once Justin and JC finish their work on their second albums, we’re going to start working on our new project.”

The last sentence was met with such an ovation that they couldn’t talk for a full minute, so Chris took the opportunity to lean closer to Joey.

“Is that true? You’re back?” Chris whispered, so the microphone wouldn’t catch it.

“Back for good,” Joey answered.

“Wow, that’s good news, Lance,” Ellen said, once the applause died down. “I’m pretty sure everyone will be excited to see what you guys do, and you’ll have to come back when the album is ready. I’m sure your fans can’t wait to hear you together again.”

“It’ll be sooner than you think,” Joey promised. Chris knew that Joey wasn’t just talking to the audience. It was a promise he was making them.

During the commercial break, Ellen went to talk to her floor manager, giving them a little privacy to talk. Chris knew they couldn’t ask the questions they wanted, since there were too many witnesses, but still he needed to know something to avoid making a mistake.

“What were you supposed to be doing these past months?” He asked Joey, sliding his right hand into Joey’s left and smiling as Joey tightened his grip. It was a small thing, but it assured Chris that Joey was *there*.

“Doing research for a role,” Joey whispered back, smiling. There was more behind that smile, Chris could tell, but Joey seemed aware that they couldn’t talk at all while on the set.

“Adam looked as if he was going to have a heart attack when he found out you were without security.” Justin sounded as if he was joking, but Chris could tell that he was seriously worried too.

“Sorry about that,” Joey apologized. “My friend John came to pick me up, and I needed to talk to him privately.”

Chris opened his mouth to ask if Joey had any problems after leaving his other job when the light announcing the end of the commercial break turned on and Ellen returned to her place.

Regretfully, Chris had to let Joey’s hand go.

* * *

“Are you going to tell us where you were, or are we going to have to try to kill you?” Justin asked, half joking, half serious, once they were back at the hotel where they were staying. Adam had yelled at Joey right after the show ended, about everything from disappearing without notice to arriving late to the show. “You owe us an explanation, Joe. We were convinced you had decided to forget all about us.”

“I’m really sorry, guys, I wasn’t planning on seeing you again like this,” Joey said, sitting next to Chris. “I called Jive this morning and they told me you were doing a show and that I had to get my ass here or else.”

“Adam actually told you to get your ass down here?” Lance raised his eyebrow. “I find that hard to believe.”

“Not an exact quote, no, but I basically had to jump on a plane, and break a couple of traffic laws to get here on time.” Joey shook his head. “I actually had planned on calling you guys, inviting you over to my Orlando house for dinner, talk calmly about it all. National TV was completely unexpected.”

“So, what’s the story?” Chris asked. He had decided not to get angry, even though the last two months had been torture for him. “Why did you disappear?”

“Are you planning on doing it again?” JC interrupted, before Joey could answer. “Because that would put a stop to our great come back.”

“I won’t disappear again,” Joey told them, clasping Chris’s hand tightly. “Two months ago, I realized I had been an idiot for most of the last year. Even when it wasn’t what I intended to do with my life, being with you guys was always an important part of it. While I stayed in the shop, hiding from everyone, it wasn’t only that I was not coming back to the group, it was that I was cutting everyone from my life. You guys, my family, everyone who mattered. So I decided to stop doing it and accept that yes, I did spend seven years of my life in a boyband.”

“Harmonic quintet,” Lance said, jokingly.

“Wait.” Chris looked at Joey, trying not to sound hurt. “If you decided to come back, why didn’t’ you, I don’t know, call us or something? Why did you just leave?”

“It wasn’t that simple,” Joey explained. “If I wanted to come back, I had to make sure that there would be no problems at the Bureau with it, since even when the case is closed, my identity as Joey Fatone was used in an investigation. I want to see my family once in a while without having to hide from the cameras, and Tony wants to see his without having to pretend to be me. So I went to the Bureau and worked into clearing the identity so that now, Joey Fatone is my legal, artistic name. I can use it without any worries, and there is no way to link it to the undercover work during the Pearlman case anymore. Since you all testified, legally, it was me on the stand, not Tony, so we won’t endanger Tony and his family.”

“We’re not going to have to make a press release about how you’ve sort of lied to our fans all this time, are we?” Justin frowned, confused.

“Not really,” Joey smiled. “I didn’t call you guys because I didn’t know if it was going to work, I didn’t even know if my former superiors would allow me to keep the identity of Joey Fatone, so I didn’t want to make you guys think it was possible without being sure.”

“But now it’s for real? What if the press finds out about Tony?” Chris pressed. There were other things he wanted to ask, but he kept his mouth shut. They would have time later, when they were alone.

“Tony Vecchio is my cousin, and the Barr family are, if anyone ask, my uncles,” Joey explained. “So, as I said, I’m free to stay with you guys, and, well, do all the things I said I wanted to do back then, you know? Everything.”

They talked for a few more hours, which were mostly Joey apologizing for worrying them so much. They didn’t start on plans for the group, since JC and Justin really had to work in their second albums, and Chris was in the middle of something that might work with Nigels 11 and Lance was still planning to be a producer, this time for a tv show, to which he invited Joey, if he was serious about trying his hand at acting again.

“We know you can do it, anyway,” Lance joked when they got to that point. “You just say the word, and you can get into a casting session.”

It was almost midnight when they left for their own rooms, but outside room 304, Joey stopped Chris, holding his arm.

“Chris, can we talk?”

Chris turned to see Joey, smiling. It had been a bit more than a year the last time they had managed to talk alone. In the meantime, Joey had run Chris through an emotional rollercoaster, but Chris was so happy to see him, that he was just about ready to forgive that.

“You sent me flowers,” Chris said, slowly, once the door was closed. “Do you know how hard it was for me every month not to jump in my car and drive through five states to your store? I promised you time, but damn, Joey, it was hard for me to give it to you.”

“I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you, and the flowers were handy,” Joey smiled. “But if you think it was too much…”

“It was weird, Joe,” Chris’s sigh interrupted Joey, as he sit down on Joey’s bed. “See, you know what I want. That hasn’t changed since the first day I came on to you, or since the day I said I was going to wait for you. What I don’t know is what do *you* want.”

Joey sat down next to Chris, and Chris could see in Joey’s eyes that he was trying to think what to say. It took him by surprise when Joey came closer, and softly kissed him on the lips.

It was the first time ever that Joey started a kiss between them.

“What do you think?” Joey asked, when the kiss ended. His eyes were shining, and Chris realized that Joey was as scared about it all as Chris felt.

“I think we can try again,” Chris smiled, and pulled Joey into another kiss.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final notes: As not to spoil. The whole ‘Joey sends Chris flowers, then disappears to appear again at the TV show’ plot was thought by Milosflaca, who kindly let me use it for the fic. I couldn’t say that on the first notes because, well, then it would’ve spoiled the end, wouldn’t it? And before I forget, Adam is a co-creation of both of us, born in a comic book project. One of this days, we'll tell you the whole story.


End file.
